I’ve opened a can of worms. They just sit there, the worms. Hardly the chaos that’s been advertised.
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To the person who got hold of my voodoo doll.
Stop feeding it!
#Fitness #Diet #RubbishJokes
#SaturdayMorning
Done with work today.
The work day isn’t over, I’m just done with it
I don’t need WebMD to tell me what’s wrong with me, I have my mother.
“on your left u see fred in camo, on your right is bertha, she has ridden many miles on that electric cart.” If walmart had tour guides.
what?
Cancer: Expect a minor shakeup at work this week when you find your boss eating what’s left of Gary.
I was once bitten by a bear because I stuck my hand in a bear cage, in case you want to know what kind of decisions I have the potential to make.
BaD BoY!!
Me (flirting) so what day do you have therapy? 😏
me *dead*: at least I don’t have to pay student loans
*Gets e-mail* We see your living status has changed. Click to update your loan info.
A guy that was falsely imprisoned for 10 years got free tickets to the Super Bowl. That guy is SO lucky.
Guys I’ve run some math on it and this whole Santa business is truly bananas.
Me: Something is fishy here
Red herring: *acts very casual
Can we stop trashing couples for meeting on the internet?
For centuries it was like, “my cousin in Idaho knows a farmer looking for a spouse, you should write him a letter,” and then you got married.
Amy Winehouse’s final album was “recorded before her death.” Thanks for the clarification.
Saw this crow emerge from a dumpster with two-thirds of a whole bagel, and the other crows stopped like they’d seen someone pull the sword from the stone. Gonna ask if they need Merlin.
[first day as a teacher]
me: today we’re learning the alphabet
kid: that’s easy
me: no it’s A-Z idiot
What’s your dream job? Mine’s either falling out of airplanes or giving presentations in my underwear.
I starting to think putting a lime in a coconut and drinking it all up isn’t even actual medical advice.
My son just told me everyone wishes they had a mother like me and I don’t know if I should hug him or ask him what the hell he did wrong.
this is ur captain. sory for descending thru another cloud but ralph told me it was posible to land on one of these things so we keep trying
Just howling at the moon and eating whatever I can find until my navel pops out like an angry elevator button, how about you?
I’ve never really found myself “in a pickle,” but it sounds quite jarring.
Best part of being married is blaming your partner for shrinking something in the dryer because you’re getting fat & it doesn’t fit anymore.
Every time a house is evil, a disaster, and full of demons in a movie we find out someone used a Ouija board so anyway guess when I’m saying is at what point did America use a ouija board
Tip: “At the same time” has more characters than “simultaneously.”
The point is, having a vocabulary helps you tweet gooder.
me: *offering joint* wanna hit
giraffe:
me: nvm ur already high lol
[later]
scientist: first time we’ve seen a giraffe eat a human
My dentist told me I need a crown. I was like I KNOW, RIGHT?
Me: You really brighten up the room!
Date: Aww, thanks!
Me: *staring directly at the sun* Who said that
I have no idea who is gonna die first in this movie, because everyone is white.