Him: Wanna go out with me tonight?
Me: Let me ask my mom
Him: Wtf?! You’re in your 40’s!
Me: She said no
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Them: you have an attitude problem
Me: it’s not a problem… I like it
me: do you sell ducks?
him: yes, but they’re going quick
me: ok I’ll take one
[later]
duck: quick
me: I see
I bought a stationary bike last year and, boy oh boy, has it lived up to its name.
DAD i can’t stay with your wife in same home.. she’s hiding all my snacks.
dad: I can’t find my glasses, can you read what this says for me?
me: “Dad do you want to go to Home Depot”
dad: [voice catching] Sure son
Don’t take this the wrong way, but you’re all horrible sinners and you’re going to hell.
Alex: This term indicates a zero score in tennis.
Contestant: What is love?
*dance party erupts*
Detective: one of you is the murderer
The actual murderer: *remains calm*
Me, innocent: *starts sweating, heart rate goes through roof, displays every sign of guilt it is possible to display*
barbie baked bread before becoming bamboozled by bearded beavers
My work here is don’t.
3 yr old: I love lemonade, I’m so excited, I’ve never tried it
-the mind of a toddler is a mysterious place
We have a winner.
McConaughey: I’ll have a venti with cream please
Starbucks barista: ok, how do you spell your last name?
McConaughey: I don’t know
Wrote a tweet that said “Pizza is never divided by politics.” Was about to hit send.
Then I remembered pineapple .
There’s a certain kind of voodoo involved when it takes forever to lose 5 pounds, and only one cupcake to gain it back.
Forgive me, for I have sinned.
Same time tomorrow?
The Canadian military is just a guy named Ross with a flare gun in an aluminum boat.
Autocorrect is like that idiot friend who tries to cover up your mistakes with worse ones.
Discourage visitors by placing a “use other door” sign on your only door
Once a year, I put 16 spiders in my husband’s mouth while he sleeps bc
-Let’s get this over with
-He can eat mine
-I really miss Fear Factor
DAD GUIDE ON HOW TO WATCH A MOVIE:
1) put on a movie
2) don’t watch it
3) read a book
4) every time something happens ask what happened
Yeah, I experimented in college. I tried beet chips.
Guys are always ‘just kidding’ unless you say yes
College Math: Your kid lives in a dorm room the size of a matchbox. When she moves home, her belongings fill every inch of an entire house. How is it possible? Calculator allowed. Show your work.
Haven’t exercised in so long that my Fitbit just sent me a friend request.
Guy at the cake shop: So is this for a friend?
Me: No, it’s for me.
Apparently it’s weird that I’ve had 9 birthdays this year.
I like to think I’m a nice guy, but I will throat punch anyone who tries to beat me to the buffet table. Sorry gram gram, but them’s the rules.
Bae: come over.
Me: I’m doing the podcast.
Bae: come over.
Me: nah, I’m doin the podcast.
Bae: my parents are out.
Me: they can download it.
I love when I make people laugh so hard they spit out their water…
Or food…
Or baby…
I found the felon who is responsible for your lost socks. Already convicted of other crimes. It’s the fitted sheet. You’re welcome