[preparing for a date]
me: what if she kisses me
roommate: you kiss her back, bro
me: ok
me: *thinking* but why her back though
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I’m not gaining weight, I’m “retaining candy.”
*Friend sees my knuckle tats*
F: ‘MMA4LYFE,’ really?
*I put my fists by my English prof’s ‘OXFORDCO’ knuckle tats*
*we start break dancing*
what field of science explains how strawberries know that they’ve been purchased and it’s time to go bad in the next 15 minutes
You ever just look at your spouse and KNOW they’re the one you want to fall asleep really soon so you don’t have to share your pizza rolls with?
My 19 y.o. watched a show where a romance ended badly.
In a distressed voice, she asked: “WHY can’t we just have a HAPPY ENDING?”
I involuntarily muttered under my breath: “Because we don’t have the money to pay the masseuse.”
19 y.o.: “What?”
Me: “I didn’t say anything.”
I tweet with an abundance of sexual undertones like I’m not a huge blusher with absolutely no game whatsoever.🤭
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor on this flight?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a bilingual journalist to help, are they?
Flight attendant: We need a Spanish translator
Me: *puts book down*
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: pass
Officer: have you been drinking?
Me: pass
Officer: You can’t just keep..
Me: pass
Don’t kick over a rock if you’re not mentally and physically prepared for what may be underneath….
I like donuts.
Twitter:
Sorry I’m late, I believed the washing machine when it said it only had one minute left in the cycle.
Toddler: I want toast
Me to husband: I don’t want to give her toast
Husband: just tell her she already ate it
Me: you already ate your toast
Toddler: *eyes narrow*
Husband: you said it was yummy
Toddler: *walks away*
Son: This kid at school says really mean things to me
Me: I’ll have a word with him[Later]
Son: How did it go, Dad?
Me [trying to hide my red eyes] do you think I look like a potato?
Detective interviewing me about the murder of my friend: is there anyone who may have wanted to kill them ?
Me: yeah looks like it
Me: Wanna go for a wa—
Dog: [has already brought me leash, phone, travel water bowl, passport]
My husband says I have no idea how to use a comforter which is funny because when I wake up in the middle of the night I’m the only one using it.
Father, pardon, excuse, exonerate, absolve, acquit, forgive me, for I have synonymed.
*staring directly into the sun* is this meditation am I meditating
Hello my name is Morgan and I used to think lingerie was just a fancy way to say laundry
I just went to church and had communion. Ok it was a gas station and I had 2 donuts but I did say a prayer before scratching my lotto ticket
The beatles purposefully wrote catchy songs to generate interest in their band
*pulls a tiny monocle out of a jar of peanut butter*
OH GOD WHY
Me: *eating my 3rd bowl of spicy chili*
Her: OMG you are not sleeping with me tonight
M: *eats spicy chili for the rest of my natural life*
My favorite superheros are.. Baskin and Robbin!
Someone with the profile description “I’m a human worker” just followed me…
Not today Satan.
Not today.
Careful, it’s hot. *ladles steaming clam chowder into your kid’s trick or treat bag*
The airline I’m traveling in just made an announcement that said all mobile phones, laptops and PAGERS should be switched off. If I own a pager in 2022, I won’t need an airplane to travel. I’ll just use my time machine.
My kid asked me to hold her candy, took one look at my excited face and decided she should hold onto it instead, which was definitely the right call.
Alhumdulillah my country is full of talent
I’m 20, my face is 18, my voice is 16, my back is 60 🥲.