Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
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What this four-way stop needs is some kind of signal that would let people know when it’s their turn to go
i wish i could marry a nap
Got a text from my husband this morning saying that this wasn’t working out and he wanted a divorce! Boy was I relieved when he texted back saying that he sent it to the wrong number.
When you’re on the couch being all comfy, snuggled under a blanket, a glass of wine on your left, a bag of chips on your right, the cat is sleeping on your lap, and you realize you forgot to put the remote within reach.
That’s the moment you wish you had kids.
My dishes are lined up like my sink is the hottest night club the world has ever seen.
When someone reads your message, then never responds, it’s just hurtful.
I mean, what else could they possibly have going on at 3 AM?
I added someone as a friend 2 years ago but they haven’t responded. They must be really busy.
[Spills wine]
“My medicine!!”
[Bomb will explode in 26 seconds]
*googles “how to defuse a bomb”*
*clicks top result*
*it’s a 17-page slideshow.*
GODDAMMIT
*an ad plays*
You can pretty much tell me anything is an anagram and I’ll believe it. I’m not about to rearrange a bunch of letters like some doctor
“FINISH HIM,” I scream, as Nana takes the last bite of her gingerbread man.
getting into an accident in GTA and making my character get out of the car to exchange insurance information with the other driver
I should have been a cat, bc all I do is sleep and the rest of the time I’m just weird.
Me: lay down
He:
Me: arms above your head
He:
Me: don’t stop once you start
He: when I said role play…
Me: *pushes him down grassy hill*
KANGAROO(tasting beer) *sips* This is too hoppy for me
[BrewMaster] I thought youd love “hoppy” beer lol
[Kangaroo] (sternly) That’s racist
Waiting on this storm is like waiting on your mom to get home when you’re in trouble.
You know she’s pissed, you just don’t know HOW pissed
normalize slapping the phone out someone’s hand when they use speakerphone in public.
When kids say they’re bored…
new parent: let’s go outside
seasoned parent: go clean something
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
Me at 16: No one can tell me what to do with my life.
Me at 36: Someone please tell me what to do with my life.
parenting hack: take your kids to the park then just leave them there. start a new life. be you. enjoy traveling again. make new friends that don’t care what color the cup or bowl is. you don’t need that negativity in your life. be free.
Me: I can’t work today.
Boss: Why?
M: My grandma died.
B: Our grandmas died 20 yrs ago.
M: …
-Why working for your brother is a bad idea.
Passed by a old school Math example today.
I started drinking more water and now all my workouts consist of walking back and forth to the bathroom.
Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, shame on me
Fool me three times, show me how you do that
Trying to binge watch a show when you’re a parent takes about 20 years, apparently.
My parents were going to name me after the city I was conceived in but neither of them knew how to spell Albuquerque.
Confused owl: What?!
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
Got a booty text from my ex-husband so I did the logical thing and forwarded it to his new girlfriend.