I didn’t believe in miracles until I folded the laundry this morning and all the socks had a match.
You Might Also Like
Is this cat saying Meow or Mao? Cause I’m not keepin some commie cat
reasons why people don’t want to return to offices:
-unpaid travel
-packing lunch
-the bear in the conference room
-dress codes
-the bear stole my lunch
-someone help
-my boss told me to take it up with hr
-it’s eating my sandwich
-code switching
i’m sure it’s fine, you just gotta shake it up a bit
robber: empty the register, no funny business
joke store owner: oh no
My man got attacked by a snapping turtle.
I asked the ER doctor if he would get turtle powers and the doctor asked him if he feels safe at home
My GF found lipstick in my pocket, I admitted I’m cheating… I don’t want her to know I’m selling AVON.. I want to eat my money in peace
FYI: Waterparks can’t call it a “lazy river” if they make you get out to pee.
I hate getting cut off because I’ve “had enough.” Who are they to say how much butter I need on my movie theater popcorn?
“This would look a lot better in the toilet”
-toddlers
I can walk up to any dog, rub its butt and make a friend. That trick only works about half the time on people.
How to tell if your kid is doing drugs
1. Are your drugs missing?
Was chatting at our block party and a new neighbor came up and asked if I was this dude’s wife and I said no I’m his mistress just to make it weird and welcome her to the neighborhood.
[wife drops me at the airport]
Wife: have a safe flight
Me: I have no say in the matter
Wife [already driving off]: die then
Waiter: How did you find your meal, sir?
Me: Yeah, it was nice.
Waiter: That’s not what I meant and you know it.
Me: Another waiter told me where you hid it.
May you have the confidence and independence of my 5yo, who sneezes and says, “Bless you, me!”
When a proctologist fixes a problem, do they say it’s been rectified?
Love a good morning stretch that turns into an involuntary pterodactyl screech
Bad joke of the day:
Did you hear about the population of Ireland?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
It’s Dublin.
A lady once dmed and asked if we had internet in Brazil. I think about it a lot
Get out of shaking hands with people by telling them you were touching a dead bird you found outside.
ANIMAL CROSSING: you pull out a fish you caught two minutes ago and everyone in town applauds you.
STARDEW VALLEY: you spend 19 days growing a carrot and give it to a woman who disdainfully says, “I don’t want this” yet still takes your carrot. The carrot costs 2,000 dollars.
*during sex
Her: This feels weird. Is it a waterbed?
Me: Nope. Way better.
*pulls back sheet to reveal hundreds of meatball subs
“I drive like lightening.” “You drive fast?” “No. I hit trees.”
I’ve changed a lot as a parent after 4 kids. My oldest started school knowing a lot of random academic things. My 4th will start school knowing the lyrics to Queen. We will find out which method works best in like 20 yrs or so.
Explained to my 9 yo how programming works:
1. You have something you want to do.
2. You write code to do it.
3. The code doesn’t work.
4. You fix the mistakes.
5. When the program works, you realize your idea was wrong.
6. You fix the idea.
7. Goto 2.
Senior: *Gets diploma* I’m glad all the cliquey high school stuff is behind me
Principal: *Laughs for the rest of the graduation ceremony*
I only look good from one angle and if someone could please tell me what that angle is I’d be grateful
Professor X: What’s your power?
Me: I can turn ice into cats.
Professor X: That’s ridiculous.
Police: [busting in] You’re all under arrest!
Me: I got this!
Polecats: Sonofa…
they finally got him. they got macavity