if you give a mouse a cookie, he’s going to ask you for a glass of milk.
don’t give it to him.
give him another cookie.
now he’s super thirsty.
he’ll do anything for that milk.
anything.
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Me: What did you do today while I was at work?
Dog: Me? Nothing. Just slept.
Me: I think you’re lying.
Dog: *visibly sweating* why do you say that?
(Dracula has social anxiety and can’t attend the auction)
Dracula: (texting me) DO MY BIDDING
perfume should come with instructions
like on medicine: Dab LIGHTLY on pulse
points Do NOT marinade in event of
overdose take shower
I’ve heard that some people have kids who sleep through the night and I’d like to know if they use tranquilizers or chloroform
You’re erasing syllables to make the word shorter. I’m adding syllables to make the word longer. We are not the samerino
“It’s summer! Yay! No more school shootings!” – American children.
I don’t care how much it rains, I’m not getting on a sex animal boat with a guy named Noah.
What I say: Be ready, we are leaving in five minutes.
What the child hears: Get undressed. Start finger painting. Lose at least one shoe.
If you need some deep cleaning done today, find someone with ADHD who has a paper due tomorrow morning
Not Wordle. Just a cactus.
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My bumper sticker says “My kid is your honor student’s drug dealer.”
[first day as a spelling bee judge]
Me: your word is Sarcasm
Him: can you use it in a sentence please?
Me: no, I’m a spelling bee judge but can’t use a word in a sentence
My girlfriend and I are sharing an #Amazon account.
We’re prime-mates.
If a group of lions is called a pride, then a group of humans should be called an embarrassment.
I can’t explain it with science, but the older I get the softer I want my clothes to be.
Got the dermatologist recommended detergent and dryer sheets and I’m pretty sure it would’ve been cheaper to just buy a whole new body.
[minutes after eating mac & cheese] u know what would be amazing right now- and honestly it’s been a while since I’ve had it- mac & cheese
I’m sorry you’re breaking up [static sound] I’m about to go through a tunnel.
Dad, we’re right in front of you
Uh….. go ask your mom.
neurosurgeon: *turning my head upside down to shake out a pebble*
it sucks that a cape on your back makes you fly but a cape on your front just gets you a haircut
DOCTOR: You’ve gained a lot of weight
ME: I’m getting older and my metabolism is slowing down
DOCTOR: [slapping chicken wings out of my mouth] I mean since you got here
i don’t want to be the “main character” i actually want to be an extra who is there just to have fun and stand around while you deal with all the conflict
For several weeks my preschooler has begged to go to a farm to pick her own fruits and veggies. Last Sunday we planned a special day and made the hour drive to learn that what she really wanted was to wear overalls.
Dating me is like a walk in the park – Jurassic Park.
I swear people go to Starbucks and just say random words…
“Lemme get a grande iced mocha no foam quad soy hexagon vortex hypothesis with steamed ice”.
ME: How do I get on that goth hot air balloon?
FRIEND: That’s a solar eclipse
Poking holes in your parents condoms so there’s someone else to do the dishes
Making sure to loudly declare my love for microwaved fish on Zoom calls so I’m never invited back into the office