I’m not flirting with you. I’m just nice. Get over yourself.
Except you. You get under me.
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HIM: I like your shirt!
ME: [wondering why he excluded every other thing I’m wearing and also me] thanks
There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.
[Genetics Lab]
Me: One designer baby, please
Doctor: It’s not like that, you..
Me: Please remove the pooping and crying functions
Doctor: What? No, you can’t…
Me: Give it wings and flamethrowers
Doctor:
Me: I’m gonna call her Claire
Bought a standing desk yesterday. Today I bought a bar stool.
I’m a math truther now. Infinity is a lie. Numbers stop at 39.
Questions like, “Could you survive a cannon blast, dad?” keep my son up at night. Follow up comments like, “I guess we’ll have to wait and see,” keep me up at night.
Documentaries not only expand my world views, but also compel me to change my behavior for a solid 24-36 hours.
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
TAYLOR SWIFT: Aw here are some band aids
ME: THOSE DON’T FIX BULLETHOLES
TS: *picks up guitar* …brb
ME: I’M STILL DYING
*cop throws the book at me*
*I throw it back at him*
Librarian: *grabs us by the ears and escorts us out*
I can only assume that when realtors list a “modest home,” that means it is a house that has never once worn leggings or yoga pants
Slack jaw. Vacant eyes. All symptoms of someone listening to me talk.
for my next trick i will fall asleep 15 minutes into the movie i begged us to watch
Me: We’re ordering pizza.
8-year-old: This is the best day of my life!
Me: We order pizza every week.
8: I have lots of best days.
“You’re just not my cup of tea” I say to someone else’s cup of tea.
My brother & I’ve competed for title of family black sheep for yrs.
He checked in at a strip-club…on FB.Well played brother, well played
Things I hate:
1. Hatred
2. Irony
3. Lists
Flatulent: (n.) a small apartment in Brooklyn you let a friend borrow
You should be allowed to take your own food to KFC and have them kentucky fry it for you.
Having a toddler has trained me well for pumpkin season. I’m ready to carry up to 25 pounds of something for long distances because it is utterly incapable of walking.
Threw some protein bars in the trash & now the raccoons are bench pressing my neighbors Great Dane in the backyard.
*I open the curtains with a smile, enjoying the gentle breeze on my naked body*
ME: Good morning, world!
CURTAIN STORE MANAGER: Call the police, Karen… He’s back.
[court]
Defense lawyer: Oh great.
𝘛𝘩𝘢𝘵 judge.
Client: What’s wrong with him?
Lawyer: His name is Thoreau D. Book.
Sober me: I hate drunk people
Me after first drink: WHERE MY DRUNK PEOPLE AT
Wife: I’m going out now
Me: Wait! Where are you going?
Wife: Yes.
*door slams*
Did you know if you weigh yourself, then take a dump, then weigh the dump & weigh yourself again, you’ll be banned from Walgreens for life?
My week is basically:
Monday
Monday #2
Monday #3
Monday #4
Friday
Saturday
Pre-Monday
I’m confused about plants
Pretty much. 🤣
When you’re watching Scooby-Doo and the scary part comes on.
Them: you have such a youthful face! What’s your secret?
me: *plucking an auburn hair and burning it in the eternal flame while muttering incantations* oh I just wash it with water