brent use the shallow end
why
you’re not a strong swimmer
I am so *jumps*
[doesnt surface because I have $1.75 worth of change in my pocket]
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dad: Hand me that Phillips screwdriver
me: *looking*
dad: Isn’t that a Phillips beside you?
me: It says “Craftsman”
dad:
me: Are you crying?
[at Red Lobster]
WAITRESSES: *run toward me*
ME: Red Lobster!
WAITRESSES: *stop*
ME: Green Lobster!
WAITRESSES: *run*
MANAGER: Okay, SIR…
Instead of yelling “Hello?” when u think a murderer’s in your home, say “Goodbye” Then if he’s there he’ll be like well OK guess I’m leaving
everyone make a new friend so you don’t get assigned to David
Cat: Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk… [ *Coughs up hairball* ]
Dog: You gonna eat that?
You wait until midnight for the next game of wordle? So basically you wait and wait and there’s all this hooplah for three minutes of fun? This reminds me of something.
You wanna take this outside bro? You sure bro? It’s awfully chilly bro. Hold on bro, let me grab my scarf.
Are we still sending rich dudes to space cause I just got a 2 dollar bill in the mail from GramGram and this shining star is ready to rocket
I hate when you forget to wear a belt and have to shoot heroin using the blood pressure machine at walgreens.
Ever accidentally turn off your alarm instead of hitting the snooze button and wake up two days later?
Me: *mouth full* When pizza’s on a bagel, you can eat pizza anytime.
Widow: I still think you could have waited until after the service.
I looked at a shelf once online and now every ad is like “SO YOU LIKE SHELVES??????” and everywhere i go i think a shelf is following me
Me: Scientists have discovered a nearly 900,000,000 year-old fossil.
Child: Was it the skeleton of your childhood pet?
Me: Things like this are why no one likes children.
I don’t usually spank the kids while we’re in Walmart but yours were just asking for it.
[bank]
I’d like to pay this into my account
[empties pockets full of cat teeth]
OMG I’m so sorry [takes card back] that’s the wrong account
Just choked on a apple…
Bet a brownie wouldn’t have done that..
Answer every question with “Yes, but is it deep-fried?”
I have decided to leave my past behind me.. so If I owe you money..I’m sorry. but I’ve moved on.
One spelling mistake and my wife is all upset. All I wrote was: Having a great time, wish you were her.
Trebek: This Disney movie starred Elsa & Anna.
Me: Frozen.
Trebek: In the form of a question please.
Me: Do you wanna build a snowman, Alex?
Y’all, I’m a teletherapist and my dog just popped up in session looking all professional and shit
I hate when I give people nicknames like “stupid face” on my phone and I cant remember who the stupid face is.
You can train a cat to do whatever it wants you to do
Me: Look buddy, I’m not here to play games
Arcade Manager: And that’s exactly why I’ve asked you to leave
Mariah Carey beginning with “I don’t want a lot for Christmas” and then revealing she wants “you” is such a good burn
5yo: I made this for you.
Me: How nice! Um…what is it?
5yo: I was hoping you’d know.
me: [trying to be cool af at the bar] gimme a beer
bartender: what kind
me: the…the drinking kind
My house is almost 80 years old, so are some of the spiders, judging by the size of them.
“Are you already hot as shit? Then you’ll look hot as shit in our glasses” – Every glasses ad
One time when my 10yo was 18 months I took him to the library for story time and he rolled his toy car under a bookcase and yelled “oh shit”. The lady stopped reading and everyone turned to look at me and I didn’t go back to story time at the library again