ME: Ha ha bro why is your wife named Purse Phone?
HADES: That isnt… thats not how you say it
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Me, having lobster for dinner: This is delicious
LOBSTER: *wiping gravy off chin* Yes it is, thank you for inviting me
Our government needs REFORM, we need to make it ILLEGAL to put fake pockets on women’s clothing
“Coward” should really mean “to move in the direction of a cow”
Officer, this ticket says 1:59 am, but thanks to daylight savings, it’s now 1:00. So slow down, TimeCop, I haven’t committed the crime yet.
My 4yo picked up a toy and put it away without being asked, and I just stared at her like she was a woodland animal I didn’t want to scare.
The worst part about having your death go viral is that you get kicked off the Queue for Taylor Swift tickets. #RIPJimmyFallon
opening gifts that say ‘from mom & dad’ and knowing that dad is going to be just as surprised as you are
Avoid calls from pesky bill collectors by not paying your phone bill.
People with good posture are so reckless. Why are you sticking your head into the sky with all the crows and frisbees? Come back down here where it’s safe.
Is athlete’s foot [gulp] fatal, doc?
“Not with the proper treatment.”
*gives foot $56M 7-year contract*
I like the new game of thrones show but I don’t think the laugh track is necessary
I’ve found that I can usually judge how hot a woman is by how many times my girlfriend calls her a whore.
Buying a life insurance policy is best way to pretend that you have a life.
Me: Uh oh there’s my ex girlfriend. Quick, will you hold my hand so I can make her jealous?
Great grandma: No.
[jail]
INMATE: so what are ya in for?
BIG BAD WOLF: well I huffed and I puffed and then I got nabbed for possession
INMATE: goddam pigs
2019 stress ball: ●
2020 stress ball: |
Tonight a woman showed me a picture of her 6’2, muscled up, super hot 21 year old son, and I calmly said, “What a handsome young man,” instead of “Holy shit,” even though I’d had 3 Cosmopolitans, if anyone is looking to hire a diplomat.
This dressing room attendant would be a lot more helpful if she offered to bring me a drink, instead of a different size.
“I’ve led you this far so the LEAST you can do is drink, dammit!”
I can never say the word “rural” without sounding like Scooby Doo.
i’d like to drink my problems away but my kids don’t fit in the shot glass
the closest I get to a manicure is when I jam olives on my fingers and pretend I’m a tree frog
Being an adult is mostly just wondering if the stuff in the dishwasher is dirty or clean while eating soup out of a sand castle bucket.
I’m starting a frequently terrible drycleaner called autopleat
*Goes to Nirvana themed
“Come as you are” Party**Gets arrested for indecent exposure*
I’ve never once been able to explain my car trouble to a mechanic without resorting to sound effects.
Me, first week of school: I packed you a healthy lunch.
Me, one month later: They’re serving mini-corn dogs & pudding, you want school lunch today?
nothing more Los Angeles than an earthquake getting jealous of the publicity the hurricane is getting
What if dogs are way smarter than we think and they just play dumb so they don’t have to work and pay taxes.
I’ve started putting my wife’s chocolate bars in the wrong wrappers.
It really gets her snickers in a twix.