I’m a bound and determined person and I like to get things done but as I’ve gotten older I’ve found that I can pay others to do it while I take a nap.
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I refuse to order in Starbucks lingo. I just order small or medium, and watch everyone hyperventilate.
I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”
[Looking at ultrasound monitor with my wife]
Wife: Look at it’s little heart beating! Isn’t it amazing…
Me: It looks like a crossiant
BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: To infinity and beyond!
ME: Nothing is beyond infinity, I demand realism in my talking toy movie
If the Pottery Barn didn’t want me to bring my goat in the store, they shouldn’t have called it a barn.
“Oh my god I can’t believe someone would pronounce my name exactly how it’s spelled!!!”
– people with stupid names
I mean I married my wife for her looks, but not the dirty ones she’s been giving me lately.
The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our labrador is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.
GF: “Call me ASAP, it’s an emergency!”
Me: “Hi ASAP, it’s an emergency!”
hey boy 😉 is that a gun in your pocket or are you just pleased to see m- oh, it is a gu- yes i will open the cash register
[skywriting]
Karen, do you have the checkbook? The skywriting guy won’t let me out of the plane until he gets his deposit.
Kid being grounded in 1978:
YOU CAN’T GO OUTSIDE. YOU MUST STAY IN YOUR ROOM.
Kid being grounded in 2018:
YOU CAN’T STAY IN YOUR ROOM. YOU MUST GO OUTSIDE.
Charlie Sheen’s herpes have herpes and those herpes have gonorrhea and that gonorrhea had an abortion in high school.
A chia pet tampon so you can have a lil sheep for your troubles.
[sharing a cold one with the fellas] It’s my turn to hold the penguin
someone trained 10 dogs to jump rope together and I can’t train 2 kids to sit and stay during dinner
*sees baby*
*crouches down, does some cute baby talk*
*no reaction from baby*
*stands up slowly*
You’ve made a powerful enemy today, baby
Fireman: Is anyone else inside the house?
Me: Uh yes..my son is trapped in my room he- [fireman charges into blaze] ..HE LOOKS LIKE AN XBOX
Back to the Future IV: Marty Mcfly stops being obsessed with his own family and goes back in time to kill Hitler.
murderer: *stabbing me*
me: 🙂
murderer: doesn’t it hurt?
me: i’m used to it i have a cat :’)
Things true crime has ruined for me: hiking, jogging, dating, marriage, lighting up a room.
My horny ass could NOT have a banana cleaner 😭
😂😂😂
I lost my job because my manager heard me slapping one of the customers. He wasn’t even at work. He heard from home.
Dear women,
3 reasons why you need to accept we men are mature.
No 1. We know what upsets you.
No 2.
Hahahahahaha… I said “number 2”
I think it’s cool that when you’re pregnant you not only make a baby but you also make a little table where you can put your cereal bowl.
Here in the South, we don’t consider a cookout successful unless there’s an ambulance involved.
A cat has contracted the COVID-19 disease. Don’t ask Meow