Fall, when my kids clean the yard by bringing ALL the leaves into the house
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KID: I don’t need a coat
ME: baby, it’s cold outside
KID: I don’t think it’s cold
ME: it really is cold outside
KID: I will not be cold
ME: I promise it’s cold outside
[twenty more minutes of arguing]
ME: fine let’s just go
KID: daddy it’s cold outside
[puts puppy in microwave]
[googles instructions for making hotdogs]
[quickly releases puppy from microwave]
cops: we’re gonna test your blood for drugs
me: lol why? my blood didn’t do any drugs, i did
[at a dance]
HER: why don’t you take the lead
ME [eating fifth pencil]: way ahead of ya
If you aren’t tying damsels in distress to railroad tracks while laughing maniacally, your curly moustache is going to waste
If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.
Shoutout to headline writers, making their own fun.
Whenever my kid’s teacher asks how I’m doing, I always want to reply, “Why? What did my kid tell you?”
Whenever I see a bruise on a banana my first thought is pity, but then I think it probably deserved it because I slipped on a peel once.
I don’t know why this driver threw his hands up and asked what I was doing. I thought it was pretty clear I was cutting him off.
[seeing a skyscraper with all the lights on]
oh man the dad of that building is gonna be mad
Me: Shhh. You have to keep it down or my husband will hear us.
*Me talking to a loud, crinkly sleeve of Girl Scout Cookies.
Being fat is when you watch Jurassic Park and wonder if dinosaur tastes good.
Black Friday is the Christian holiday where Jesus rose from the grave at 4am to get in line to purchase a discounted HDTV for his Father.
*In Class* Please don’t call on me, please don’t call on me! *Teacher Says Your Name*
Just asked my coworkers if anyone had to use the potty before our next meeting, in case there was any doubt that I’m a mom.
friends who just got married: We were kind of hoping you’d stick to the registry.
me *crestfallen*: you don’t like the jukebox of screams?
The Joker furiously scrolling through Batman’s old tweets for anything problematic
You kids and your fancy Google searches. This World Book Encyclopedia got me through all six years of high school.
ROBIN: sorry batman I put a huge dent in the batmobile
HARVEY: *from passenger seat* wow i’m on a diet ok
I bought myself some ice skates the other day and went skating today for the first time in about 15 yrs …
I’m returning the skates tomorrow.
Hear me, oh spirits of earth, wind, and fire. I call upon you to unleash a boogie wonderland.
Fluffy towels that don’t absorb anything but just move water around on your body are the devil’s handiwork.
Why was six afraid of seven? Generations of institutionalized bigotry.
My husband reminding me that Heidi Klum also has 4 kids is going to be the official cause of death on his death certificate.
Movie idea:
A slasher film that ends with the heroine gloating as she hands the killer over to the cops, but then she realizes her car is parked over in the same direction. They all have to walk together and make small talk and it’s super awkward.
*shows up to date with broken nose*
“What happened?”
Hurt myself playing football
“How?”
Threw the controller at a wall and it bounced back
Me: *showing the priest a gif of a dog chasing his tail* Haha it’s like he never stops
Priest: Ok but I said “Bring the GIFTS to the alter”
Day 4. They suspect nothing.
Should the hole from my vaccination shot be beeping a day later?