STARBUCKS BARISTA: I got a latte here for *squinting* Catheter Zebra Jokes?
CATHERINE ZETA-JONES: *sigh* That’s gotta be mine—
CATHETER ZEBRA JOKES: Hey not so fast, lady.
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Me: In my day we all had to watch the same thing, at the same time, on the same screen
My kids: NOOOOO!!!
[breathing]
“I could do this all day.”
Sombrero is better than nobrero.
Doctor: You need a kidney transplant.
Me: A transplant?
Dr: Don’t worry, I’ve never lost a patient. I know where each one is buried.
Me:
Me: *giving my wife puppy dog eyes*
Wife: WHERE THE HELL DID YOU GET THESE?
Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: With adjectives.
I have a huge advantage in Wordle because I have had the alphabet memorized for over 10 years.
Her: Awww. Can I hold your baby?
Me: Of course. Here you go.[later]
Her: Can I see your phone?
Me: *eyes narrowed* Are you insane?
The asteroid..
The baby’s trying to eat the poinsettia again
Well, maybe we should get rid of it
The plant? But we just got it
. . .Haha yeah, the plant
The 70’s called. They built a time phone.
Never ever did it occur to me that in my forties, and as a mother of teens, that I’d be spending my time scolding my parents for leaving the house without my permission.
Dr: You need to stop touching your face
Me: But it feels really nice, try it
Dr: *strokes my cheek* OMG, nurse come check this out
Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.
windmills are bad bc they blow god further away from the planet, making it harder for him to hear our prayers
Wife: “Did you know that some idiot paid $96,000 for Princess Leia’s gold bikini?”
Me: [nervously tightening my robe] “Who would do that?”
sorry I broke up with you in the middle of a corn maze
When people call me a monster I always hope they mean a cute one like Cookie Monster
I’m keeping an eye on the cult headquarters, call that compound interest
Autocorrect and I are so close, we finish each other’s sentinels.
Coworker: will I be seeing you at the office ugly sweater party?
Me: no, I’m not ugly
I should have just told her she smells nice and left out the like Grandma’s pierogis part.
Unfortunately you can only fake your death like three times before your boss starts asking to see the death certificate
Me (a masseur): *applying oil*
Client: Aren’t you supposed to put that on me?
Me: My blood pressure is sky high. I need to get my affairs in order.
Him: Make a will?
Me: I was thinking flings with hot men, but OK.
CASHIER: okay, so your total comes to $13.82, have a nice day
ME (have spoken English literally every day of my entire life):
THANK
My husband just made me watch a documentary about pizza while I can’t get pizza delivered and this is why the divorce rate is going to be so high after this shit
Beastie Boys: So whatcha whatcha whatcha want?
2020: *deep breath*
I finally got eight hours sleep. Took me four days but whatever.