It be like that sometimes 😆
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*after sex
No, you cannot sleep over.
Husband:
No matter how much I shake my phone, you still won’t come out. Are you stuck? I think you’re stuck.
Hangover status: playing duct, duct, tape with the kids.
A little poetry never killed anybody. But haiku keeps trying.
What level of dating is it when he asks ‘what’s your sign’ and you give him 2 finger guns and a pew, pew?
People keep mistaking my “wow”s for compliments.
I wanted to lose some pounds…..
So I went to the casino.
All squirrels fly when you own a T-shirt cannon.
My wife calls me a busy beaver ‘cause every time I sit on the toilet I build a damn.
My husband asked if I had a new year’s resolution and I told him it was to not yell at the kids and then we both fell about laughing
If someone specifies that you’re book-smart and not street-smart or street-smart but not book-smart, they’re calling you stupid.
As Elon Musk opens a huge underground tunnel in LA, critics question his motives after a Thai football team is seen wandering into it.
Best translation fail. The arabic spells out a transliteration of ‘meat ball’ in English – which sounds like ‘mayit baul’, or Dead Paul.
GUY WHO INVENTED CELEBRATING BIRTHDAYS: *is born* Ok wow like what an accomplishment
MOTHER: For me?
GUY: N- HELL no. For me. Please shut up
the approval process for adding someone to a group chat should be harder than getting a passport.
the correct way to spell “hats” is HATS because it’s all caps
If you’re ugly, I won’t alert you if you have a typo. You have enough on your plate as it is.
Spice up your marriage by slamming doors sometimes when you’re not even angry.
Just watched a mosquito suck my blood then throw up.
Stand up. Yell, “I OBJECT!” Moonwalk past the bailiff out the side door, finger guns ablaze. PEW PEW PEW!
Let’s move on now. if I had a pound for every time I heard a Brexit joke this week I’d nearly have a Euro.
My 3 year old is helping me make crepes this morning. So far in the mixing bowl there are 2 eggs, 1 cup of flour and 1 measuring cup.
BUFFALO: I was only a kid. I showed Dad my report card. He smiled, hugged me and said ‘good bison’. I never saw him agai…oh, ok I see now
GUY: *busts in bleeding* i owe money to some bad dudes you gotta help me
ME: *proudly reaches down and pulls the pennies out of my loafers* you’ve come to the right place
Me: [struggling with 4 kids at grocery store]
Lady: you have your hands full
Me: the little one is great with cats
Lady: what?
Me: you can take one
Lady: *nervous laugh*
Me: they love old people
Lady: *walking away*
Me: take one, please!
Hey chicks who wear a buttload of make-up. Don’t borrow someone else’s iPhone to make a call. You leave half of your face on the screen.
LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD: grandma what big eyes you have
WOLF: u really think I look like ur grandma? I should eat u just for that u dumb shit
me: “it hurts when i pee”
doctor: “quit peeing on my desk and ill stop hitting you!”
I can’t listen to music with my headphones at the office. Apparently everyone doesn’t enjoy the way I sing out loud
satan: [pulling me aside] hey we’ve had some complaints
me: about the laughing?
satan yeah [scratching horns] i gotta be honest a lot of the demons are creeped out
me:
satan: you really shouldn’t be enjoying the torture this much