My psychiatrist said I have a case of acute narcissism, but if you ask me it’s better described as downright adorable.
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From now on when you see me use the word “variants” know that I’m referring to my children.
Wearing ‘EarPods’ is my favorite way of making the rest of the world believe my verbal outbursts are part of a heated phone conversation.
Me: Welcome back to Fishin’ with Jesus. We only caught two fish so far-
Jesus: [standing on water] Count those fish again *winks at camera*
Me: I’m so fat…
Him: *rolls eyes*
Me: *rolls fat*
A lot of infant toys promise to improve motor skills, yet I’ve never seen a baby work on a car.
Never understood the desperation behind placing ur order in English at KFC/McD. Heard a guy practicing his order while sanding in the queue.
Who called it a “Brazilian wax” and not “another way to skin the cat?
*going through mail*
“bills bills bills bills bills”“I think I’ll unsubscribe from Daily Ducks Magazine.”
I do not want a robot dog. I do want some sort of high-speed Wi-Fi router mobile hotspot installed in my current dog
If you are in a relationship and one of you has the better credit score. That is why they call it a significant other
(Sign-if-I-can’t )
computer: choose new password
math teacher: algebra
computer: password must contain numbers
math teacher: algebraXY
My Nissan uncomfortably seats 7 if any group of people wants to take an intimate road trip
In 2009, Stephen Hawking hosted an open party for everyone, but only publicized it after it was over; so only time-travelers would know to attend.
As he expected, no one came.
WIFE: You know Hogwarts isn’t real? It’s just part of series of fantasy novels.
ME: *chasing an owl around my garden*
WHATEVER MUGGLE!!!
Boss: You wrote one of your strengths is invisibility and that seems–what are you doing?!
Me (giving him the finger): Wait–you can see me?
me, last week when it was dark in evenings: what is the point of anything
me a week later now there is light: I am so happy to be alive so I can eat fresh mango
Zoom Staff Meeting
Boss: Everyone staying fit?
Bob: I have a home gym!
Carol: I have Zoom Cross Fit sessions.
Me: I have a vigorous moisturizing routine.
my therapist challenged me to get out of my comfort zone so i stopped watching tv in the living room and switched to the basement
An old Russian wisdom:
Tell me who your friends are,
And I’ll tell you what
you’ll be charged with.
me: if i had a time machine i’d eat dinner again
friend: so go back for seconds?
me: no probably longer than that
Anyone else’s grandma used to slip them a five dollar bill like the mob bribing a witness not to testify?
“…just don’t tell your mother.”
my wife and I do this Batman role play where I disappear mid conversation like with Commissioner Gordon
the thing where a kid draws a scary picture and shows it to his teacher, alerting her to a terrible situation happening at home, but it’s my kid drawing a pic of me eating an entire box of donuts
Me *on the phone*: Yeah it’s just an annual check up.
My 8 year old bursting into the room: OMG I DON’T WANT TO GO TO THE DOCTOR AND GET A SHOT!!
*hyperventilates*
*vomits*
Me: It’s for the dog.
8: Oh. Can I have a snack?
What if Cookie Monster was censored and this whole time he has been talking about boobies instead of cookies?
Restaurant chain commercials should run the disclaimer “Actual food might not tumble and splash in slow motion”.
[in basement lab]
wife: you cant just make your own honey
me: (mouth dry, spitting pollen everywhere) I know that now Lisa.
The devil whispered to me, “I’m coming for you.”
I whispered back, “bring pizza”
<- sleeps well with others
{notices you’re wearing silver earrings}
sorry your ears came in 2nd