it’s so funny when a horse is shredded like a bodybuilder. like goddamn dude you wanna be a car so bad
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Damn, Twitter. If I wanted to get ignored this hard, I’d yell at my kids
I think Amazon is missing a big opportunity to get into the paint industry. They could make big bucks selling Amazon Primer. #tuesdaymotivations
“This place couldn’t possibly get any messier!”
TODDLER: “Hold my bear.”
Once your kid learns about the planet Uranus, you can bet uranus you’ll be hearing uranus puns for months.
Pretty sure California’s water crisis could have been solved with the number of dropped ice cubes that I’ve lazily kicked under the fridge.
🙂🙃🥹
I love when really expensive products say ‘apply generously’ like of course you would say that
Scientist next to me: My god. Reality is a simulation.
Me (also a scientist): My god. I haven’t fed my tamagotchi in 17 years.
If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 muscles to frown, then how can I tell if this girl is flirting with me and not just being lazy?
That fish is too small and that fish is too big but that fish is justtttt right
-Goldilocks on Tinder
*kidnapper calls to make his demands but my kid keeps interrupting him to ask if he wants to see his fidget spinner*
[boiling pot]
dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off
Dan and I had been lovingly gazing at each other in silence for a couple of seconds and at the same moment I eventually said “you’re very handsome” he blurted out “do you think I’d be a good mayor”.
I accidentally drank a bottle of invisible ink last night.
I’m in the hospital now, waiting to be seen.
i love how when someone asks what your favourite books are your brain does this sparkly little twirl and helpfully deletes every book you’ve ever read from your memory
Me: *drops mic*
Mic’s parents: OUR BABY!
how dare the girl i spent one day with in berlin 2 years ago unfollow me on instagram
My kids in public are direct payback for every time I shriek’d
PLEASE DON’T HIT ME AGAIN at my mom in the middle of a crowded mall as a kid.
*catcher puts 1 finger down*
*pitcher shakes head*
*puts 2 fingers down*
*nods*
(catcher to umpire)
“can we take a break? he has to poop”
A sweater so itchy it feels like it was made from scratch.
“I’m not angry, just disappointed. You need to try harder. This is important! Do I make myself clear?”
“Sorry, sir. Here’s your ketchup.”
[Casually but methodically making my way through a party until I secure a spot next to the snacks]
Quietly, as if into earpiece: “I’m in.”
My son is smart enough to hatch an elaborate plot to get out of going to daycare, but dumb enough to share his scheme with me in exhaustive detail. God bless toddlers.
My 3yo wanted me to use my real money to buy pretend food, and then complained I was buying the wrong pretend food, so I think he’s going to be a stockbroker
I keep pepper spray in my purse just in case any peppers try to attack me.
meanwhile underwater, fish scientists continue to be baffled by rain. “it’s like the sky is pretending to be the ocean because birds are jealous of us,” said one bluefin tuna wearing a lab coat
[Walking thru a dark alley late at night]
Thug: This is an arm robbery!
Me: Don’t u mean “armed” robbery?
Thug: *takes out chainsaw* Nope
“Nothing suspicious about Jeffrey Epstein death” says medical examiner Eprey Jeffstein
I saw a dad peeing at a urinal while holding his kid on his shoulders and I was so in awe of his dad skills I just gave him my kid to raise. He’s better off now.
Just why bro?!