The level of giddiness I experience when someone I hate says something stupid in front of an audience is a tiny bit embarrassing.
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6: you’ll always be my mom right?
me: definitely, you’ll always be my baby!
6: what if you’re dead
me: wtf
Don’t ever call me sexist.
Sexism is wrong and being wrong is for women.
Changing my name to ‘free unlimited high-speed wifi’ so everyone will love me.
Our boss just banned overly specific nicknames and the whole office is staring at Rat Snitch Brian The Good Time Ruiner.
Me: Damn. Another gray hair. *plucks it*
Old man standing next to me: Ouch!
Lost in a corn maze? Light it on fire. Turn it into a popcorn maze. Eat your way out.
*God, watching me lying in bed while eating a pile of doritos I spilled on my chest*
probably could’ve just made that one a mollusk
Hubs: You treat me like a child
Me: That is completely ridiculous. Now go brush your teeth, it’s almost your bedtime.
feel like Nope sort of put the cgi animals question to bed forever lol. you really want a real life bear on set? for a scene where your lead actress is getting attacked by the bear?
Who puts a banana in their pocket anyway
I just saw where some woman got paid $40 for brushing her teeth on Only Fans.
I will be opening an Only Fans account forthwith and just argue with people all day. That’s my only skill. Except I do know how to brush my teeth so I guess I could do that too.
[while house is on fire]
Firefighter: wake up ma’am, your house is on fire.
Me: can’t you see I’m sleeping?
F: but the house is on fire.
Me: 9 out of 10 people wish to die while sleeping, and we’re most likely to die at 11 am *looks at clock* You just ruined a perfect death.
*rubs lamp/genie appears*
*makes me listen to ads before each wish*
If you ever want a bad date to end just say “you remind me of my mother.” If you REALLY want to sell it leave out the “my”
Co-pilot: you need to let the passengers know but keep them calm
Me *presses intercom* how fun is swimming?!
Still waiting for a sexy butler who can make me a grilled peanut butter and jelly sandwich for lunch, and text with my mother.
Walking up the lighthouse stairs can be a very towerful experience.
When someone says “Idaho”, I still respond by saying “Udaho!” and I will never stop.
[Last supper]
Jesus: Same time next week guys?
*they all nod*
Judas: I’ll book a table for 12
Jesus: you mean 13
Judas: yeah..13, I meant 13
Being trapped at Burning Man seems almost as bad as being trapped in a conversation with someone who went to Burning Man
White girl frustrated in the 1700’s:
“I shan’t even”
I couldn’t be a hero in The Matrix cause agent Smith would be like “humans are a virus” and I’d be like that’s a fair point
Two deer walk out of a bar. The one deer says to the other, “I can’t believe I blew 40 bucks in there!”
Sorry, I had nothing this morning, I’ll see myself out.
the worst part of the robot uprising will be the constant software updates
The worst fight I’ve ever been in is with Clingwrap.
When I told my parents over the phone that my husband has the flu, my dad said “Have you tried euthanasia?” and in the background my mom yelled “For the last time, it’s echinacea!”
Poking holes in your parents condoms so there’s someone else to do the dishes
this is funnier than any friends episode
Me: For dinner we’re having Fettucine Alfredo
Alfredo: Fettucine and what?
The Purge, but only for people who use their speakerphones in public.