[on first date]
Yes I’ll have the-
*whispers to waiter*
I don’t speak French
*points at menu*
“The French toast, sir?”
Yeah. 6 of those.
You Might Also Like
[montage of me giving-up]
I’m no fan of Smokey the Bear. He’s just the first step on the slippery slope to vigilantism.
Husband: Quick. What’s this song?
Me: Awful.
A customer just told me that it takes a 14 mile run to work off 1 Oreo. Don’t worry she’s dead now
I’ll bet Medusa never got mosquito bites.
If she shovels shit at the local zoo, then she’s a keeper
I just saw a birdbath gravestone, what a great idea, visitors for life..or death I should say
Yes, but it was never about money
Couldn’t afford a man cave. Had to settle for a gazebro
Christmas inflatables are like college kids, full of life at night and face down on the lawn in the morning.
Guys, are you sure it’s a good idea to bring up proof of ownership?
When I see a piece of gum in the urinal, I think of how painful that piss must’ve been for that guy.
excited for my first day at at&t as a network engineer supporting national infrastructure. just unplugged a few things in the server room for my space heater. it’s cold in here. should be fine though
My neighbor and I stepped out at the same time, both of us dressed up for meetings. I nodded at him approvingly. He looked me up and down and grinned. I STILL GOT IT, I thought. Gave my presentation to 50 people. Get home only to realize my pants are inside out.
We got a dusting of snow here in Michigan. Or as people south of Ohio refer to it: “Death Blizzard 2017.”
Therapist: Why did you bring a lawyer to a therapy session?
My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that
The moon is in my awful neighbor’s backyard. Girl, he’s the worst. What are you doing?
A health scare but it’s just someone putting a salad in front of me.
Forever thinking about the person 14 years ago who said earnestly (?) if they eat shrimp they get diarrhea “and vice versa.”
One of my wishes in life is to run across the Pacific Ocean in an air tight giant hamster ball.
[being stared at by a bunch of guys as I bathe in an airport washroom] can someone get my back please?
Then I said, “hi hungry, I’m dad!:
Other dads:
If cauliflower can become pizza, you my friend, can do anything.
her: thanks for catsitting! everything go okay?
schrödinger: yes and no
me: oh it’s so nice out I think I’ll wear shorts and a tank top
*5000000 mosquitoes like this post*
Good thing we bought this rowing machine, there’s no room left on the treadmill to hang clothes.
I can’t get enough of these Labor Day Sales, you guys! I bought 25 mattresses!
I love how once you hit 30 every conversation can be turned into a competition for how little effort was put into pulling a muscle.
Roy Batty: “I’ve seen things you people wouldn’t believe.”
*opens Twitter*
[ten minutes later]
“I take it back. You people would believe anything.”