“No no, remember I told you we don’t do that in our house..”
-Me, breaking up a cat fight.
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I quit my job at Starbucks because of all the name-calling.
Hate is too strong of a word, but to the guy who brought a cowbell to a 7am youth hockey game, I very much dislike you
If we’ve gone swimming together you can be certain that at some point you’ve swam through my pee
“Who took my good screwdriver?”
-Every dad ever
“Are you listening to understand or to be right?”
~ sometimes pretending to listen results in unexpected mutiple choice questions
I wrote a paper on how plants are evil.
It’s my Photo-Sin-Thesis
What about a Hallmark movie where a country farmer with a heart of gold visits family in the big city and finds cheap lust and superficial thrills in the arms of a steely and powerful businesswoman?
An app..
An app that reminds you, no matter how ugly you are.. someone far far away wants to bang you.
-Twitters new slogan
me: i feel like im being singled out because im the oldest person in this karate class and im winning all my matches
them: this is a daycare and you are under arrest
Customer: is it 4 wheel drive?
Me [counting the wheels]: yeah
Customer: no like can it go off-road?
Me [looking around showroom]: well yeah
An obese old man who breaks into your house at night? A tiny flying woman who buys your dead teeth? It’s a wonder children can sleep at all.
The only thing I do to get my body ready for summer is make sure my AC is serviced.
i’m such an introvert i don’t even talk to myself
My wife screamed “you haven’t listened to a single word I’ve said, have you?!
I was taken aback….what a weird way to start a conversation.
Alhumdulillah my country is full of talent
scotsman: are yeh thinkin what i’m thinkin?
other scotsman: jab a few pipes in a sheep stomach and play the same note for three hours?
scotsman: aye, laddie, jab a few pipes in a sheep stomach and play the same note for three hours
I’d never survive in Canada, it’s so cold so cold I’d ask random strangers to set me on fire
7:02 pm: I’ll probably have 1 or 2 beers
2:43am: [emailing the former CEO of radio shack] WHY THE FUCJ WERE U SELLING VCRS IN 2014
You make me want to be a better sentence completer.
Me: we’ve got to get this teenager out of the house
Her: great, you can teach him to drive
Me: *googling “affordable college no high school diploma”*
:office birthday party:
CW: Would you like to sign the card?
Me: Nah, just here for the cake. Karen will understand.
CW: His name is Joe.
I think at this point, a pterodactyl egg has better odds of getting laid than I do.
I bet Melania Trump really regrets buying a speech off Craigslist now.
“It’s summer! Yay! No more school shootings!” – American children.
*Welds all night without incident..
*Burns self getting a pizza out of the oven..
It wouldn’t be appropriate for me to comment further but that’s not going to stop me.
Tonight playing poker with a buddy he said “Care to make this interesting?” And I said “Sure. For years I’ve been secretly in love with you”
Me texting friend: Hey! What’s up?
Buddy: *sends picture of ceiling*
Me: I am so glad I didn’t ask “how’s it hanging”
a talented computer hacker can bring down any man, no matter how rich or powerful, by smashing him over the head with a brick
I love making pasta when I have a ton of dirty dishes in the sink. just dump that hot water in there when you’re done, and bam! you’ve got dinner and a set of totally clean dishes!