I bought a bathing suit yesterday and the automated voice said “unexpected item in bagging area”.
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Therapist: where do you think your fear of chickens came from?
me: well, I am not certain but
You’re so strain. You probably think this song is about flu.
My mom didn’t care what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern”
When they talk about CIA on cooking shows
What they mean: Culinary Institute of America
What I hear: spy-chefs
The first 3 days of a diet is always harder than the 4th day because by the end of 3rd day, you’re dead.
Just discovered my 7yo wearing his underwear backwards again. Playing classical music while pregnant is bullshit.
[1773]
“Your majesty, last night some angry colonists dumped our tea into the Boston Harbor”
*three English ladies faint*
WTF THIS MEANS WAR
When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying
Interviewer: Where do you want to be in 5 years?
Me: Oh, it doesn’t matter. You will have fired me well before then.
I try not to drink in the office because if the boss finds out he may ask me to share
My husband accepted an invite to a bbq for us and said we would bring a salad, like “we” has anything to do with it.
A haunted house but for your spouse and lurking behind every corner is a larger and larger Amazon box.
[after winning scratch off ticket]
*makes it rain 3-ply toilet paper*
Potato chips ARE vegetables! I exclaim as I tear open the third bag
[At microphone]
*clears throat*
“Salsa. Ballet. Conga. Waltz. Jitterbug. Tap.”
*crowd cheers*
“Thanks for attending my dance recital.”
A lady at the store was returning a dozen donuts. I’ve never been so confused. What kind of monster does that?
[in doomsday bunker]
wife: we’re out of food
me: we’ll have to eat one of us to survive
chicken: yes but who?
I’ve never been on a diet but one time I had to wait until my wife left the kitchen so I could sneak some more cookies before dinner.
Wife: “If I die first, I want you to remarry.”
Me: “Wow. Do you really hate me that much?”
someone trained 10 dogs to jump rope together and I can’t train 2 kids to sit and stay during dinner
Roadtripping with my family has taught me that my marriage can withstand anything except roadtripping with my family.
babe wake up they’re canceling someone you’ve never heard of before
The meat served in IKEA’s restaurant is made of people who couldn’t find the way out.
me: do you want to play some ps4?
frenchman: oui
me: no we only have the playstation
ME: I’d like to return a defective boomerang
SHOPKEEPER: Ok. Where is it?
ME: I have no idea
Me: I am so tired and sad all the time.
Brain: Have you tried eating a lot of pasta, like A LOT?
[22 minutes later]
Me: That didn’t help at all and now I feel sick
Brain: Hm weird. Try again in like half an hour.
Pilot: we’re gonna crash
Me: *to cute girl next to me* guess I should make these last moments count
Her: yeah?
Me: mhm *starts fast forwarding Shrek*
I adopted a rock.
He just sits there and does nothing all day.
It still beats raising Kylo.
I bet that Heimlich was just a perv who molested people from behind, and one time accidentally saved someone from choking.
13: so I’ll only have this asthma for a little bit?
Me: yes
13: so this is like, Limited Edition Asthma?
Me: ☠️☠️☠️ 😂 SEASONAL it’s seasonal asthma