you either dated people in middle school or you’re funny now
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Apparently, my superpower is being invisible to bartenders.
UK Scientist: We’ve engineered a new species of cyanobacteria
U.S. scientist: We’ve made pigs in a blanket 50% piggier
Me; Alexa! Start understanding my Indian accent
Alexa: Here’s what I found on Wikipedia about median cement
A priest, a rabbi, and a duck walk into a bar. All three of them are Scarlett Johansson.
Bachelor party photos will always come back to haunt you.
Thoughts and prayers for my mom, she’s really struggling with my weight
Never Never Never tell someone you are patient.
They will test you…
Cop: You’re driving on the wrong side of the road.
Driver: Sorry, I’m English.
Cop: (shouting) It’s the wrong soid of the roade ye was droivin down, innit?
My kids are always accusing me of having a “favorite child” which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them.
Kids make friends in 5 seconds, adults make friends in 5 drinks.
If someone sees you accidentally bite into plastic fruit, commit. don’t show weakness. eat all of it
EXORCIST: the previous tenant was murdered. You can see their ghost in the background of this photo
SPOOKY GHOST VOICE: oooomg deleeeete it
First Date
Him: I love a girl who’s professional but likes to have fun.
Me: *excitedly pulls my brief case full of beanie babies from under the table*
No one prepared me for getting hotter with age, yet here I am handling it.
Who wants to be my Valentine?
First they came for the people who loaded the dishwasher incorrectly & I did not speak out.
Because they do my head in.
ME: The plane has wifi? Sweet, I’m going to Skype call that radio psychic.
RADIO PSYCHIC: Go ahead caller, you’re on the air
ME: HOLY SHIT
We might appreciate window lickers more if they had squeegees for tongues.
Never run with scissors. Unless…
• You stole them
• You’re running a 400 meter scissor relay
• You’re being chased by giant paper dolls
The Pope is putting out a Christmas album. And just like that, Lady Gaga now has the SECOND weirdest wardrobe in music
[blind date]
HIM: so Paul says that you’re a real charmer *smiles*
ME:*whips out three snakes from my bag and a flute* you bet i am
I’m not straight up gangster but I’m working on improving my posture.
If my teenagers see this tweet, since no one is answering my texts….mommy’s flight is on time and the house better be clean when I get home.
*man with beerbelly waiting outside elementary school*
*teacher walks towards man*
“are you expecting a child?”
“no thats from all the beer”
I’m going to a dinner tonight for my husband’s work and he said, “Tonight I need you to be charming and funny and do not tweet about this.”
0 for 3 so far.
if i stick just one toe outside my front door somehow it will cost me $40
Very funny, think he has a bet on a horse 😂
Some people can never, ever admit they’re wrong. I’m not one of them though I was definitely wrong about you
[Wife walks in wearing nothing but whipped cream]
Oh my god, Linda, it’s like you’ve never even heard of ants.