why are we always standing after being corrected? imma have a seat after this devastating defeat thanks
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I am yelling
I really loved the idea of moving and re-decorating until I realized one pillow is literally $25
Friend: Don’t you recycle?
Me: I do what I can.
F: What about the seals?
M: Am I responsible for their recycling, too?!
I just want to be as hot as a grandparent’s living room at Christmas.
“You stand accused of 3 counts of first degree murder.”
“Look, I’m a lot of things–”
“Are you a murderer?”
[bites lower lip]
“Little bit.”
Home Alone (1990)
A know-it-all, suburban elitist cruelly humiliates two economically anxious men, seeking to improve their lives
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: pass
Officer: have you been drinking?
Me: pass
Officer: You can’t just keep..
Me: pass
I’ll be spending some time on my other account.
Be back later.* if I’m not back later please read the message above again*
My son asked me
“Where does poo come from?”
I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest explanation.
He looked a little perplexed, and stared at me in stunned silence for a few seconds and asked, “And Tigger?”
*looking at a picture* Wow, you have beautiful children!
Thank you, they came with the frame.
When driving: *shakes fist at pedestrians*
When walking: *shakes fist at motorists*
When running: *shakes fist at the murderer chasing me*
Guy: Which way is left?
Me: *points to the right*
Guy: What is a horn for?
Me: Jazz
Guy: Where does gasoline go?
Me: *points to my tummy*
Guy: Excellent *approves my state-issued driver’s license*
If dolphins are so smart why do they still live in the water
One time in 1997 I forgot to close my air quotes so everything I’ve said since then has been sarcastic
Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: Verbally. But I’ve also prepared a dance.
Listen, you should really give your mother a call. She’s concerned that “the haters” in her Zumba class are organizing and gaining power.
“It’s possible to touch birds!” I say suddenly. My coworkers stare at me. I wander outside to touch some birds.
Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.
me at 18: im gonna move to new york and go on so many dates
me at 26: if i put my phone in a ziploc bag i can go on twitter in the shower
famous: well-known for Good reasons
infamous: well-known for Bad reasons
therefore
flammable: catches on fire for Good reasons
inflammable: catches on fire for Bad reasons
When a store says “trusted since 1982” I just wonder what shady shit they were up to in 1981.
me: how should i tell my kids they’re adopted?
kid: not like this
I love the word placebo, but it lacks something
Pacifist? No, I think all oceans are beautiful
Whoever can shoo the lizard out is the alpha in your house
My friend got a tattoo of his wife’s name so I guess he loves her as much as he loves barbed wire.
Did you hear about the two thieves who stole a calendar?
They each got six months.
Him: Why are you watching WWE all of a sudden?
Me: I’m trying to learn new holds for when I have to floss the kids’ teeth
most cutting thing you can say is “who’s this clown?” because it implies they’re a) a clown & b) not even one of the better-known clowns