Instead of getting any work done on my face, I’m just going to pull my hair back into a really tight ponytail.
You Might Also Like
The “bangles to politicians” insult says “come be weak like women because the weak wear bangles”. No thanks, “self-proclaimed real men”.
[first date]
HER: What are you doing with the Tupperware?
ME: [filling container] The sign says ‘All You Can Eat’, it doesn’t specify when
[commercial for kids]
woman *opens pantry and 6 bags of chips fall out* ARGH!
narrator: Are you tired of having food in your house?
TRAIN’S HERE
My cat acts like he took a life insurance policy out on me and he’s the benefactor.
I have no idea what settings my 1-year-old changed, but she hit random buttons on my keyboard and now I’m a licensed realtor in Pakistan.
PSYCHIATRIST: You seem distracted.
ME: I have “Tom’s Diner” in my head.
PSYCHIATRIST: Haha… It’s a catchy song!
ME: Yeah, it is.
PSYCHIATRIST: How long has it been stuck in your head?
ME: Since 1987. That’s why I’m here.
sisqo: [filing a missing persons’ report] she had dumps like a truck
cop: i keep telling you, i don’t know what that means
Parents, if your child asks, “Why do you look so tired all the time?” Don’t sugarcoat things; let them know you didn’t start looking this way until after they were born.
Husband: Why is your Facebook relationship status “it’s complicated”?
Me: …
I’m not a doctor, which is why I’m able to offer surgeries for so much less than my competitors.
I like to play 20 Questions with my kids but I always ask the questions and every question is “Will you please stop that?”
Sometimes I’m really happy I decided to become a parent and other times I’m not calculating my Federal Tax deductions.
Talking to my sleepy 9 year old and as a joke offered her some of my coffee. She said, “I can’t drink coffee, I’m not an old person yet,” and now I hate everything.
[Barnes and Noble]
CASHIER: anything else?
ME: four barns and your finest noble please
CASHIER: get out
People pay for feet pics on the internet
Bigfoot: I’m listening
Me, dressed as Zeus: Release the kraken!
Son, *from his holding cell*: Just bail me out. Why are you like this?
Library patron on the phone is furious that we’re holding her responsible for a DVD that she swears she never checked out and besides it’s such a stupid movie she didn’t even finish watching it.
I can’t tackle you with a fire suppression blanket unless I practice.
Sometimes when my wife tells me she loves me I get the feeling it’s the tennis kind.
if my sleeping schedule was a person
Note for people married to fanatical hikers: when they say “let’s get out and walk a little,” your idea of a little might be to that ice cream stand over there and theirs might be 5 miles.
Dating:
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”Marriage:
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
Word puns may make me numb but math puns make me number.
Reporter: He was strangled by a loved one
My Murderer: Whoa, love is a strong word
My MIL is savage. She got into an argument with her husband while we were staying at their house, and when I posted photos of our weekend with them, she liked each of my photos except the one he was in.
One of my co-workers just called the elevator a “vator”. Anyways, long story short, this is my one phone call…
It may look like I’m eating an entire jumbo bag of M&Ms all by myself but, if you look closely, I’m really in training to be a piñata.
Did you know if you send a fancy iPhone emoticon to a non-iPhone user, it just shows up as a middle finger?