Seagulls are like street signs. You don’t realize how big they are until you’re trying to steal one.
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Turns out “pick the biggest one & punch him in the face” gets you more respect as a new prisoner than as a new 1st grade substitute teacher.
I’m at the “buy bigger jeans” part of my Eat. Pray. Love. journey.
wife: Why don’t we run through the parking lot?
me [laying on the ground in front of the car that hit me] Because it’s dangerous
u are suposed to knock on watermelons befor u eat them to make sure that u are not eatimg anybodys home
Imma get shredded!
Goes to the cheese aisle.
Me: ‘I need to lose some weight.’
Fries: ‘Let’s do it together.’
[2 friends fighting at Denny’s]
Chicken: *gritting teeth* I’ll have the bacon
Pig: *staring down the chicken* And I’ll be having the EGGS!
#FF @funTweeters. They’re the crazies, I tell ya! #humor
Cool shirt 🙂
Roses are red, I have a phone. No one texts me, forever alone.
Him: You’re pretty obnoxious. You know that?
Me: I’m sorry. All I heard was pretty.
“Vintage designer purses are not a retirement plan,” says my accountant while rubbing his temples.
Based Erika
It’s 1925. I’m leanin’ against this lamppost on the lookout for dames who are lookin for trouble. I start flipping a quarter. I catch her eye. I fumble the quarter and it rolls into a sewer grate. I have lost the equivalent of thirty thousand dollars.
Cop: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: Sorry, no, I fell asleep. Did I win?
My first class ticket to the weekend never arrived, so I went couch.
“My wife’s just made me breakfast using the hot bread cooky thing.”
“Toaster?”
“Ladies and gentlemen, to my wife!”
“Get out”.
16yo daughter; “I love listening to the oldies!”
*plays The Smiths
Me: Uncontrollable weeping
exactly 14 yrs ago today, I pointed at a beautiful woman & said “that’s the girl I’m gonna marry one day” but it turned out to be a lamppost
Between my boy tucking his shirt in his shorts & my girl wearing socks w/ sandals I’m confident I won’t ever have to talk to them about sex.
Oh you’re an oscillating fan? Name three of their settings
casting director: whenever you’re ready
me: the name’s bond… james bond
casting director: okay, hold up a sec. do you want to try it without the finger guns
me: no
My husband cooked dinner for my daughter and me, or as he so eloquently put it, “Makin’ dishes for my bishes.”
Okay, OKAY, I’ll take “I did it all for the nookie” off my résumé.
Streaming Service: We think this wholesome comedy would be great!
Me: hmmm
Streaming: How about thoughtful calm drama parallel of life
Me: 🤔
Streaming: ok…how about a depressing cult docu-series that will fill you with a rage that will not die
Me: ya ya that’s the one
It never felt more springy than that time I got drunk and slept on my neighbours trampoline.
an airline just for babies.
Them: Here’s a vague event invitation.
Me: I’m gonna need more info to work out if it’s accessible – food options, how many people going, is it indoors, COVID precautions…
Them: No worries if you can’t make it. [No further info provided].
Me: Thanks. I guess 🫠.
So I said ‘I love you’ but he didn’t say it back. We haven’t spoken since. Maybe he just needs space.
Vet: Your cat’s fine. You can go now.
Dropped my son for his first day of kindergarten today. Does anybody know what age you’re supposed to pick them up?