Marriage is a little less fairytale and a lot more lying on opposite couches in your rattiest pajamas arguing over which brand of saltine crackers is superior while the same show you never really watch replays on the TV in the background
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You ever notice how when you get home from food shopping, the kids turn into airport security?
Anytime a guy says “that’s what she said” always reply with “yeah, but not to you”.
I’ve always been a late bloomer. Everyone is going on about Barbie and Oppenheimer and I’m still here posting my wordle
Do people with insomnia know about Coldplay?
You know you’re a mom when you need deep, calming breaths because he’s eating two hot pockets, 10 minutes before dinner.
Congrats u survived pandemic so your reward is World War III
My kids fed chips to some seagulls and now we have to go into the witness protection program.
Twitter is like a very demented game of The Sims. Everyday I check to see how my people are doing and make sure they’re still alive.
Microwave sparked and is suddenly dead, now I really have no idea what time it is.
*me swallowing my fourth wet t-shirt*
This contest is hard
Hello Dragons I have a new invention called a “Tarp”
Dragons: what does it do?
Well you use it to keep something dry for like a couple hours then you fold it up for 2 and a half years.
Dragons: is there a spider in it when you use it next?
There are hundreds.
I’m sorry I hosed off your toddler as he walked by my house but I can’t afford to get sick right now.
“I < 3 You” means I’m smaller than 3 of you.
Midwife [handing my baby]: make sure you support his head
Me: that’s a really great, floppy little head you’ve got there. Well done
A super villain who foils all your plots, but your plots are just lasagnas and he makes them cook super unevenly.
I did a tarot card tweet once and it bombed. Guess I should’ve seen that coming.
If Frodo heads towards Mordor at 5 km/h and Aragorn heads towards Mordor at 7 km/h, how long until my friends come back?
I feel like trying new things in bed. Like getting up for instance.
suddenly remembered my high school production of hamlet where the drama teacher decided that the only actor with the gravitas to play claudius was…. himself
the cast was 15 teenagers and a man in his 40s with a highlighted pompadour, dark wash denim, and a silver skull ring.
he taught us drama alright.
I’m going to normalize a new trend.
Unsolicited *CROC* pics
[we both wake up in a panic]
her: i dreamed you died
me: I DREAMED YOU LEFT ME ALONE AT THE GROCERY CHECKOUT LINE TO GRAB ANOTHER ITEM
I went for a job interview and the manager said, “we’re looking for someone who is responsible.”
“Well that’s me,” I replied. “In my last job, whenever anything went wrong they said I was responsible!”
This might be the funniest tweet ever
Looking to hire someone who can photo edit my ex out of all of my vacation photos and replace him with a potato
Dead
Alive
Other✔
Walmart is fun because all the workers know nothing except for the one who knows everything and your job is to figure out which one that magic worker is
[job interview]
HIM: What makes you think you’re qualified for the Social Media Director position?
ME: [typing] Hold on…
HIM: Please put down the phone.
ME: [typing] Hold on…
HIM: What the hell are you doing?
ME: Live tweeting this interview.
HIM: When can you start?
friend: how long have you had that bourbon?
me: 20 years.
friend: why don’t you just drink it?
me: drinking age is 21 dude.
How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck knew his existence was futile & all his loved ones were going to die one day?
Me: [*Drinks water]
My Liver: New liquid, who dis?