if you’re ever waiting on a venmo from me, it’s not because i don’t have the money it’s because i can’t think of something funny to write as the caption
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Return of the Jedi is not possible without the receipt of the Jedi.
Officer: I am going to need you to take a sobriety test.
Me: (whispers in his ear)
Can we make it science? Sobriety has never been my strongest subject.
Yes, I wear this shirt a lot. It’s my shirt that I purchased and I own a washing machine. Amazing.
Just killed an ant and I feel like for the sake of gender equality I need to kill an uncle now.
“Everything I touch just turns to shit!”
– Large intestines
cdc: covid lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*
Me: He’s a great baby, just doesn’t really sleep much.
My baby, if he could talk: Whoa whoa whoa! I sleep! As long as you hold me while standing – facing north – sway at an even 37 sways per minute, while Israel Kamakawiwoʻole’s Over the Rainbow plays. Why is this so hard?
Blimey, it must be getting cold, just seen the postman in trousers.
If someone says, “I hate to ask you this, BUT…” you should have 4 designated friends who will jump on you & carry you out of the building like secret service agents.
What idiot called it a meal of light colored carnival bus tickets of appropriate price and not a fair fair fair fare fare
Sometimes I’ll be staring at my phone for a few minutes and be like “what was it I was doing” then I’ll be like “oh yeah I’m driving a car”
MOM [introducing us by our musically themed names]: this is our daughter Lyric, this is our other daughter Melody and this is our son *points at me* Sad Trombone
Cop *arresting a mime artist*: You have the right to remain silent.
*Sheds a tear, knowing that nothing else in his career will ever top this moment*
thanks for the crochet armor, mom, I’m sure it will work just fine
My wife and I have a rule whoever is driving controls the radio, unless I’m driving and then she controls the radio.
king kong winces in agony after stepping on a lego store
if you text me “let’s get 7-11 hot dogs” why are you surprised when I bring you 9 of them
[shark therapy]
“My girl dumped me & I haven’t eaten in days”There’s lots of fish in the sea
“Yeah but…actually that covers everything”
[Wakes up to a mysterious noise]
Lover, is that you?*Refrigerator hums loudly*
Me: I’ll just tuck this away so I don’t lose it.
Narrator: she would never find it again.
Kindergartners almost have the best gossip, like my son told me that one of his friends brought EIGHT Oreos for a snack at school but he couldn’t remember the kid’s name
This was the best day of my life
Tonight during distance dinner with my friends we were talking about how much harder it is to be impressed in your 30s and they asked what it would take to impress me and I said an exorcism, so, yeah, I think I need to get more fresh air.
Carves “you are a doo-doo head” into the car door of my enemy because my sword is mightier as a pen or something like that
Never say never. Unless someone asks you when you want to go camping. Then the right answer is always “Never”.
If I’m still single on Valentine’s day I’m going join a dating agency for sure!
Husband: ….
*overheard in women’s bathroom*
I think there’s a guy in here.
Sundries sounds like something grandma would call scandalous underwear
date: I’m an expert in volcanology
me: *mouthful of bread* why do they have pointy ears?
Me: I’m gonna go outside and stand in the field
Boss: Haha so we can say you’re “outstanding in your field”
Me: No I want to get hit by lightning