*my casket slowly begins lowering into the ground*
me, knocking from inside: “Wait, I have to pee.”
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I always carry a piece of paper with me, just in case someone tries to attack me with a rock.
Had a great convo w someone I really admire and then immediately walked into a glass door. The lord giveth and the lord wrecketh away
The worst kind of insomnia is snoring induced insomnia. That’s when every time you start snoring your wife shoves you awake…
[Swiss bank]
ME: I’d like to take out a loan
CASHIER: Okay, what kind?
ME: A tober
CASHIER: what?
ME: A toberloan
CASHIER: Are you trying to say Toblerone?
ME: …toberloan
This is a really bad idea. When do we start?
I’m sorry I put a collar on your baby. I thought it was a Pug.
“I’ll catch up with you, I just have to make ONE more joke on Twitter” (How I’d die in a horror movie)
my kid: cries cause youtube went down and he can’t watch gamer vids
me: chill out omg. The internet isn’t life.
Also me: TWITTER WTF IS THIS RETWEET QUOTE CRAP?!! I CANT LIVE LIKE THIS.
I’ve consumed so much raw cookie dough the Pillsbury Doughboy made a pass at me.
Why is it called an exorcist’s holy water and not disinfecthaunt?
…and send
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is “redacted”
me: ████████
judge: [looking around nervously] that’s correct
Men, if you want to impress her, send pix of your loads
~ dishwashers, perves
*hitler leans in close to the mic* and the next person to question me gets executioned
*grammar nazi bites lip*
I want to know what the cat was doing that made the animal control officer be like, you know what, I think this cat just destroyed an 8-ball.
Jamaica has declared war on drugs.
Actually, they pretty much do everything on drugs.
Word of advice.
If you forget to put on deodorant, sneaking into the walk-in freezer at work and holding your shirt up doesn’t solve the problem.
Also that creepy coworker will get even more creepier if you forget to close the door behind you.
The best letter to the editor in today’s @TB_Times.
Risking my life for fun.
“Where was you at?”
I was probably not skipping English class.
Aragorn: If I can protect you, I will. You have my sword
Legolas: And you have my bow
Gimli: and my axe
Steve: and my 439 Twitter followers
I just want there to be food without me having to cook or clean or pay. Is that really too much to ask?
[Jesus at Last Supper]
[holds up bread] This is my body
[holds up wine] This is my blood
[holds up Instagram pic]
This was my breakfast
[Lies on resume about having gone to preschool]
Boss: You’re hired. Your first task is to make me a macaroni picture.
Me: *eyes widen* what
axl rose is morphing more and more into elon musk and i am uncomfortable
My 2yo loves to put hats on people, but you never know if it’s going to be an actual hat, a slice of cheese, an empty bowl, or his toy shopping cart.
When people ask if I was dropped on the head as a child, my mother’s face turns red and she changes the subject.
“If we get the kids to help us it will go faster!”
– the dumbest thing I’ve ever said
I know somewhere my dead mother is looking at the news and shaking her head and trying to say to me You’re going to regret throwing those plastic bags and old rubber bands away.
Roses are red,
Change comes with the tide