I undo his overall strap & slide it off a barely perceptible shoulder. I pull his steel work goggle down around his “neck”
“BanaNA” he moans
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Strength training is a great form of anger management cause I can’t scream and yell when I have an injured back!
[on trial for murder]
lawyer: have you ever eaten cereal with water
me: [sweating] I don’t see how that’s-
judge: answer the question
Nobody:
Every dad at the zoo: look I found your real family
4 am is a useless time. You can’t fall back to sleep at that hour and there is no point getting up.
When I’m president, we’ll do 11 pm twice and skip 4 am.
“911 what’s ur emergency”
This guy’s not breathing
“Did u send him ur vibes?”
Yes I been sending em
“I’m sending some too”
Okay he good now
“A wine please”
“Sir, this is McDonalds…”
“Okay, a McWine please”
Note to self:
When the wife asks “Do you like my new hair”, don’t reply with “It’ll grow back, right?”
Going to pronounce fecal like decal
I always say “no spoilers!”. Not because I plan to see the movie but because I don’t want to listen to you babble on about it.
A political analyst said we can defeat ISIS by “crippling them financially” so maybe we can sneak into Syria and build them a Whole Foods.
i did the math
Just finished a book about an immortal pet dog. I couldn’t put it down.
My mind: Age is just a number!
My lower back: Lolololololol
ROBBER: is this all the cash?
CASHIER: yes but would you like to donate $1 to charity
ROBBER [tears welling up inside his ski mask]: ok
You can’t buy an umbrella. You can only inherit or steal one.
I’m 32 years old and I’ve watched Frozen 26 times this week…
For those of you out there thinking about having unprotected sex tonight…
Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.
(513): They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
DOCTOR: If you don’t exercise, there’s really no point in dieting.
ME: I can’t wait to tell my wife the good news.
me: god grant me the serenity
god: no ❤️
I texted 8 on his iPad and asked him to call me and he said “I don’t have app for that” and I said USE A PHONE and he said “oh” and this is who’s supposed to take care me me when I’m old.
Weird how people think I won’t summon Satan when they talk to me while chewing.
*brings bucket of fried chicken in meeting*
*meeting starts*
*I eat each piece, crunching, licking my fingers*
*touches all the paper work*
Welcome to parenthood. You will be issued 5 overly noisy toys by people who you thought cared about you shortly.
Interview:
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
*I look at my watch then lean in*
How much time do you have?
I adopted a rock.
He just sits there and does nothing all day.
It still beats raising Kylo.
My kids told me I have rizz and I feel flattered. Or insulted? Or confused. Definitely confused.
Pigeons always look like they’re jamming out to an invisible iPod.
A creepy guy in a blue van saw me hit a car in the parking lot.
So I was obligated to leave a note… “ᴀ ᴄʀᴇᴇᴘʏ ɢᴜʏ ɪɴ ᴀ ʙʟᴜᴇ ᴠᴀɴ ʜɪᴛ ʏᴏᴜʀ ᴄᴀʀ”
When I get calls from unknown numbers I panic, decline and then wait for the voicemail like I’m about to be murdered.