daughter: can i keep the night light on?
me: and provide the monsters with a beacon to your location? use your head, sweetie
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People think I’m a good listener but I’m really just solid at nodding
EXPLORER: so we found all this new land
KING: Sweet What did you name it?
E: Newfoundland
K[rubbing bridge of nose]: Guards, execute him
What idiot named them Minions and not Gru-pies
50% of Roger Federer‘s name is “er”
Someone called me an attention seeking whore today. I think.
I had trouble hearing as I was waving my thong in the air during rush hour.
So to fix my shitty attention span I just need to read your list of ten different 400 page books on concentration…
My daughter called Neapolitan ice cream “three-way” ice cream & I’m not sure I’ll correct her cuz I’m a horrible person & it makes me laugh.
Before arbys gets sucked into the sun with the rest of the earth and everything you’ve ever known or loved, please come eat some of our crap
who knew parenting would entail saying “pick that up off the floor” followed by “and don’t put it in your mouth” so often
ME: *peeing in the ocean*
WIFE: at least go in past your waist
Paul McCartney wrote ‘Yesterday’
But he also wrote ‘Obla-de-obla-da’ and ‘Ebony and Ivory’
So, don’t worry if some of your tweets are shit
People who hit Reply All to 20+ recipients and then say, “Thanks!”–please know, you are going to Hell. Nothing can save you. Nothing.
Grammar: The difference between knowing your shit and knowing you’re shit.
grateful there’s a whole airline for virgins . i do NOT want them on my flight
[Looking at ultrasound monitor with my wife]
Wife: Look at it’s little heart beating! Isn’t it amazing…
Me: It looks like a crossiant
Arachnophobia is stupid I mean why are we all terrified of a bug that knits all day?
Please help, my kid keeps threatening to teach me chess
Did some financial planning and it looks like I can retire at 62 and live comfortably for eleven minutes.
Just texted my kid and asked her to call me because I’ve misplaced my phone, she did 😂🤣
No more Geoffreys #GeoffreyBoycott
Found newspaper from day my son was born. Originally saved so he could see news of that day. Now saving so he can see what a newspaper was.
*Asking the price for something way too expensive but also shy*
Me – Excuse me. How much is this?
Salesman – Ten thousand dollars.
Me – Oh…. I’ll take three.
*sets place on fire before paying*
Been getting into gardening lately and I think it’s going well!
In Hell you have to drive with balloons in the car and you have to put them in the car with the doors open.
[wife looking at pictures of my dead body with police]
“why isn’t he wearing a shirt”
we believe he removed it when he challenged the coyote
My theory on why humans are mostly hairless is we harnessed fire and then kept igniting ourselves
All my passwords are protected … by my poor memory.
Super convenient that my arms came with cup holders.
“I’ll take movies for $500 Alex”
Tim Burton directed this dark tale starring Johnny Depp & Helena Bonham Carter
“You gotta be kidding me”
I looked at bright side once and it gave me the finger.