I dont pretend to be anything I’m not..
Except for sober I’ve pretended to be sober a few times
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The baby just put her head on my chest and fell asleep…that means that I need to lose some weight because I shouldn’t be fat enough to be this comfortable
[inside a tornado]
Dad: wind’s really pickin up
20/__ — Cyclops with perfect vision
[gym]
me: please wipe that down when you’re done
guy at urinal: what
:# <— emoticon for “I’m eating a brillo pad”
There’s a reason the iPhone autocorrects “Yolo” to “tool.”
Plagiarism is bad? Change a few words, that shit is yours. It’s like when you change a baby’s clothes- new baby. New baby that’s yours now.
According to WebMD, given my symptoms, I died 9 years ago.
[First day at Amazon]
me: *throws a single toothbrush into a tv-sized box*
manager: wow this guy’s a natural lol
You are the wind beneath my overly-sensitive, motion-activated floodlight.
It’s really funny that if you drown someone in a toilet in Hitman the authorities chalk it up to being an accidental death
Why are we all Facebook friends with an English teacher we had in high school
I hate when drinks say to shake well. Like we’re all just masters of shaking things
Trash night me: Damn these flimsy generic trash bags!
Grocery day me: Damn these Hefty bags are pricey!
Trash night me: Damn these flimsy generic trash bags!
Grocery day me: Damn these Hefty bags are pricey!
But what if options were limited, and portions were small and overpriced?
– Food Trucks
My favorite part of Beethoven’s 5th symphony is the rap battle 18 minutes in.
Movie trivia is always like, “The actor improvised when he screamed & threw the plate, so the reactions of fear from his co-stars are real. The actress who played the mom was 2 years older than the actress who played her daughter.”
If you don’t believe nature abhors a vacuum, you should see how my dog reacts to the Roomba.
My family is “sick of all the same old meals” so I’ve compiled this delicious list with all their other suggestions:
1.
2. I mean, whatever.
3.
4. No. Not that.
5.
6. I don’t really care.
Movie idea: Channing Tatum and Chris Hemsworth are called on by the US government to take their shirts off and punch people who read books.
Just heard that distinct “baby fell out of the crib and into a pizza that was on the floor” sound
Bruce Willis on a jetski, being pursued by a pug on a smaller jetski
It’s 11:48 PM. You can’t sleep. Underneath your bed, there’s a creepy rustle, as the clown tries to quietly unwrap and eat a granola bar.
I love you too, my dear tree. But I fear my wife is beginning to suspect
And that about sums it up.
Would you rather fight one 800lb gorilla or 800 1lb gorillas that trust you as their parent?
Never invite a renegade cop from a 90s action movie over for board game night. They play by their own rules!
feel like Nope sort of put the cgi animals question to bed forever lol. you really want a real life bear on set? for a scene where your lead actress is getting attacked by the bear?
sergeant: we drop in at 0800 hours.
me: HOOAH!!!
sergeant: and let me remind you these are highly trained insurgents this will be no picnic.
[places wicker basket back in locker]
me: *tearing up* ʰᵒᵒᵃʰ
[God inventing pain]
God: This is how humans will know they need to heal physically.
Angel: But how will they know if they need emotional healing?
God [inventing Linkin Park]: worry not