A moth is just a butterfly with glasses and its hair up.
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ain’t no way there’s billions of us and nobody got superpowers
Well. That’s not a good sign.
if you have dark hair you literally can’t get a bob and not look like lord farquaad from shrek. it’s impossible ive tried it so many times.
Just ghostbustered some flies with the vacuum – hope you idiots like legos
My self help-seminar, “Stop Blaming Others” canceled due to my incompetent staff.
who needs a boyfriend when you could be surrounded by beautiful lizards, all kinds of lizards, so many lizards
Me: Who is the most handsome man in the world?
Wife: Ewan McGreggor
Me: Thank you but you can only pick one
I hate it when computer games force you to make lots of difficult choices. My choices are why I’m 34 years old and playing computer games on a Monday. Clearly choices aren’t my strong point.
soup is a safe food to eat in the shower it’s already wet so there’s basically no risk
Why did they call it “All Dogs Go To Heaven” and not “Hell Hath No Furry”?
Why I hate technology:
Most of my lightbulbs now have a longer life expectancy than me.
“…She is survived by one son , three porch lights and one ceiling fan bulb”
My toddler woke up, saw her shadow, and predicted 6 hours of anarchy.
Do you believe in life after love?
-Me as a Cher-apist
pharmacy child-safety bottles have gone so far that i just have to swallow the bottle whole and hope my stomach knows what to do
[meeting]
DIRECTOR: I want amazing CGI
PRODUCER: Yes!
D: A huge cast
P: Agreed!
D: Realistic family photos
P: We don’t have the budget
*speed dating
So I thought for baby names, Lily for a girl and Caleb for a boy.
Haiku is simple.
But not for my dog Buddy.
He sucks at counting.
Artist: I love painting you. Times are tough.
Model: Are you a starving artist?
Artist: Kinda. *continues brushing butter on model*
Removed my spanx slip and accidentally ricocheted myself into the neighbors backyard.
Ever notice how drunken late night snacks are the most creative? Long story short, last night’s Kung Pao Cheerios were rather tasty.
There’s no such thing as a five second rule if you’re putting it on someone else’s plate.
I woke up in the middle of the night and wrote “dentists are liars” into my phone. Not really sure what the plan is with that.
“Steak and Shake” great burgers and also a good way to kill baby vampires.
My teen isn’t feeling well and WebMD says imminent death but Google classroom says imminent math test.
You realize a robot is telling you to pick out tree pictures to make sure you’re not a robot.
Seize the day! Kidnap the evening! Murder the night! Assault the afternoon!
I have never related to a cat more
My daughter said I was too old for over-the-knee boots so I bought two pair and told her she was too young to borrow them.
Him: I love nerd girls
Me: Did you know that having red beard hair happens if you only have 1 mutated MC1R gene?
Him: no. not like that.
Everything I know about classical music I learned from Bugs Bunny cartoons.