I knew my ex gf was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
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Still wondering if Rick Astley gives up anything for Lent.
Make me an entire website @funTweeters!
I want an app for each website I visit. And I want all of them to have loud videos that play automatically. This is my ideal user experience
how much does a mortician urn in a year
Girlfriends are always complaining, you don’t remember this, you don’t remember that!!
Well we are men, not memory foam!
#mattressjokes
The year is 2200. All fossil fuels are depleted. Our only source for coal is Santa Claus. Everyone must be naughty for the sake of mankind.
This girl from my hometown just named her baby Brogan and everyone just let it happen
“You’ve reached 911”
Knock knock
“Sir ple-”
Knock knock
“This is not-”
Knock knock
“ok, who’s there?”
Ben
“Ben who”
Ben shot real bad
“NICE”
Really discouraging that there’s still bald people in sci fi movies.
A client on the phone accidentally said they love me before they hung up
Not gonna lie it felt good
ok kids, this is a smoke detector, if you hear it beeping change the battery, if it’s still beeping, check to see if ur on fire
I got no respect for anyone who has ever uttered the phrase “don’t fill up on bread!’ when they are at a restaurant. Like, buddy I been filling up on bread my whole life, you think I’m going to stop when we are at the place that is giving the shit away for free?!
* nudges wife gently awake at 2 AM
I think my Captain America shield comes today.
[Gets caught shitting in my neighbour’s cat litter tray]
“WTF are you doing in my house?”
I..um, *rubs neck* ran over your cat 6 months ago.
This is so funny 🤣 I was crying!
my Face ID only recognizes me if I have a cookie in my mouth
When did they decide that every razor had to look like a piece that fell off a Transformer?
when i read a tweet that ends with “thanks for coming to my ted talk” i get excited and look around to check whether im truly at a tedx conference. usually im being played for a fool and im just under a car again
I love when you look into someone’s eyes and you can just see their face light up because they are some sort of cyborg with face lighting.
Suggested my 10 y/o daughter pay for her friend’s birthday gift with her tooth fairy cash and she said, “No way, I sacrificed body parts for that money.”
*at a rave*
“EXCUSE ME MISS, WOULD YOU LIKE TO DANCE?”
*45 minutes later*
“THIS IS A LONG SONG”
Him: what are you doing
Me: gas is so cheap right now
Him: ok but–
Me: *continues filling bathtub*
ME: I know it’s probably the beer talking, but you look beautiful tonight!
BEER: Hey buddy, don’t be putting words in my mouth now.
Nurse: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: No
Nurse: Do you do drugs?
Me: *sigh* No
Nurse: Do you have a life?
Me: *just starts crying* No, I work in HR.
In High School I was pretty popular with all the boys.
I was known as “Hey, will you ask your friend if she likes me?”
I get it, drug commercials. I too like to dance while I describe all my side effects
Brain: Don’t make this weird
Heart: Puts an excessive amount of ketchup on my tacos
I don’t know why friends and family keep getting pregnant when I have two kids right here they can have.
Ever since those 2 weeks in 2008 when no one noticed I was missing, I won’t go into a corn maze without a machete.