ME: Is this Babies R Us
CASHIER: Yes
ME: No babies work here
C: I know
ME: It should be called Babies Were US
C: …
ME: Get me your manager
You Might Also Like
let’s hear it for plates that are bowls
I beg your pardon?
I wish I was the morning person whichever one of my personalities makes 7am appointments believes I am.
It’s adorable when you give someone an informed opinion that they completely dismiss and then someone else basically says the exact same thing and now it’s a brilliant idea they’ve never heard before.
This day in history. 1976. 80-year-old choreographer Busby Berkeley died tragically when he wandered absently into a circle of high kicking showgirls.
My kid just tried to win an argument with “Because I said so” and I had to break it to him that only parents get to win by saying that.
Guilty! 🤪
IKEA violently attacking me for not having any friends
My super power is not uttering a word and yet still saying the wrong thing.
My brother, the dentist is getting an award tomorrow. It’s a little plaque!😂😂😂
“I’m married to a raving lunatic.”
– Actual quote from my husband, yesterday, confiding in our neighbor’s golden retreiver.Joke’s on him. That dog tells me everything.
Dinner time:
*opens fridge & stares
*moves to cabinet & stares
*moves back to fridge & lowers standards
Gotta respect birds, living in trees means they completely avoid paying property tax.
[praying mantis first date]
Female: You seem to have a good head on your shoulders.
Male: Yeah well, you know, saving it for marriage.
“Finally there’s Whatsapp stories!” – said no one ever
Please God, let the weather be nice for my picnic. There are 7 billion people on this planet. Many starving. Please hear my picnic prayer.
*puts “Baby on Board” sticker on car so people will think I’ve had the sex*
Just try to look at your shoes the same way ever again,your welcome.
Googling definitions of well known words daily so if I need to I can plead insanity
[Terminator Academy]
Terminator: When you travel to the past you will arrive nude.
Insecurminator: oh no!
friend: have u seen garfield as spiderman?
me: omg not yet is there a tail hole in his suit??
friend: it’s andrew garf-
me: *nodding, sitting back down* andrew garfield
What even happened today?
[standing in front of Stonehenge]: is this all it does
Food trucks but instead of food it’s therapy and they’re called automofeels
I never get as envious of parents as I do when their baby starts crying & they get to leave the event
me: babe watch me flip this omelette!
her: cool
me: now watch me kick flip this omelette!!
her: sick!!!
If someone lends you their audio book, try not to lose it. You’ll never hear the end of it.
If your phone fell in a toilet, you would…
1995: …leave it, toilets are gross
Today: [wrist-deep in urine] BRING ME A BOWL OF RICE NOW
I was in the grocery store when Vogue came on, and while nobody could keep up with my choreography, security did let me finish the routine.
I read an entire book on my 5 hour flight because I decided not to pay for wifi and now I’m wondering what diseases I could cure if I just gave up on the internet entirely