1st girl @ the moon:
– Houston, we have a problem
– What happened?
– Nothing, doesn’t matter
– Come on
– Nothing..
– Tell me
– U should know
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My teenager just stuck one of her AirPods in my ear and Eminem was playing. She looked me dead in the eye, as if I haven’t blasted this a million times, and had the audacity to ask, “isn’t he good?””
Boss: Our toilet is fixed.
M: I can stop pooping at ur house.
B: You’re using the bathroom at my house?
M: There’s a bathroom at ur house?
Y’all. My kids are in the bathroom plotting to stay up until midnight and have NO CLUE I can hear EVERY word of their plan to “sneak into the pantry and eat a ton of sugar”🙄
To be continued…
Some people aren’t just missing a screw the whole toolbox is gone
Please do not shout “2020” in a crowded theater.
my glass coffin company “remains to be seen” is not doing as well as i thought it would.
Her: Things got a little wild last night with Mike during sex. 😏
Me: You have bruises??
Her: No but he knocked my phone out of my hand.
So glad we cleared that up
[speed date]
Hi i’m Rob, I like sports, classic rock and have an irrational fear of bees. What’s your name?
Abby
OH SHIT WHERE
Glad i moved to a hip neighborhood where everyone is hot and I look like a rat who figured out how to use H&M gift card.
Unmuting myself to say “thank you!”after a 1.5 hour meeting I didn’t contribute anything to
Mashed, baked or roasted? I could be asking either how you prefer your potatoes or how you like to spend your weekends.
I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.
[phonecall w criminal]
FBI Agent: keep him on the line for 2 more minutes
me: ok.. *twirling phone cord* no you hang up. haha no you hang up
Not to brag but my wife and I can hold complete conversations by rage loading the dishwasher
Mike Huckabee calls Obama a “pretend Christian”, and if anyone’s an expert on “pretend Christians”, it’s Mike Huckabee.
friend: what’s the difference between ignorance and indifference?
me: I don’t know and I don’t care
Grammar. The difference between feeling your nuts, and feeling you’re nuts.
WAITER: u can choose between 6 chocolate desserts and carrot cake
ME: the 6 chocolate desserts please
Someone tweeted that they had just baked some synonym buns.
I replied, “Just like the ones grammar used to make?”
Now, I’m blocked.
Ran down the stairs without a bra on and my husband thought I was clapping. I was not. I was not clapping.
Me: *looking at pics* Cute! What breed is it? Looks like a Puggle
Co-worker: It’s my daughter
Me: Yeah, they feel like family, don’t they?
I miss phone booths both as a source of loose change and also as protection against attacking seagulls
1996: My loneliness is killin’ me
2020: That’s cute.
He was a real gentlemen and always opened the fridge door for me
Him: I like you.
Me: I’ll soon put a stop to that.
Me on FB: All kids home for summer break! My heart is full!
Reality: STOP ARGUING! GO GET A JOB! DO YOUR OWN LAUNDRY! WHO TOOK MY PHONE CHARGER?
The keys to a successful marriage include separate bank accounts, separate bathrooms, and separate Netflix profiles
[waiting for date to get ready]
“im almost done”
no rush I’ll just play with the cat
“I don’t have a cat”
[opening a cat carrier] oh I know