Roommate stood in line at midnight to get the new Grand Theft Auto. While he was waiting, someone stole his car. Irony is the best game!
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Tiktok made twitter look like a science club.
Reasons to not go camping No.154:
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world…
IT: You deleted the OS?
Me: I think so.
IT: It didn’t warn you?
Me: Yeah, but it only kinda warned me. What’s with the inquisition bro?
My wife has already mentally eaten half my fries before I’ve even ordered.
I like to keep a glass of water on my nightstand just in case I wake up in the middle of the night and I want to spill something.
SEXY POTATO: Hey buddy, my eyes are up here, and over here, and down here, and around here and
Weekend #HayaoMiyazaki
[7:00:00am] *opening eyes* today is gonna be a great day!!! 😀
[7:00:01am] wait no
[7:00:02am] hold o—
[7:00:03am] stop
me: somebody stole a painting. they broke in, disabled the alarm–
detective: okay I got the picture
me: wow that was really fast
10: Mom, would you hand me some gum?
Me: Sure, what flavor?
10: Swordmint
Me:
10: Sharpmint
Me:
10:
Me: Spearmint?
10: YES!
“2:00! Are you ready for the movie?!?” my son asked. I was not, I told him, not even close. His mom had taught him to tell time. He had taught himself to set the alarm on his watch. But it would be up me to teach him the critical difference between AM and PM.
ME: “Nemo” is Latin for “no one,” so in essence he is searching for nothing, a spectre. His voyage crosses many planes, into the depths of the underworld, led by a fool who speaks riddles. He is King Lear lost in the storm, but also Dante traversing Hell
MY CHILDREN: We hate you
If I don’t post proof of my bubble bath…did it even actually happen.
I’m at my most Alzheimer’s when Billy is that you?
HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA VALUE YOUR FRIENDSHIP TOO MUCH TO RUIN IT WITH SEX. SURE, YOU’RE ATTRACTIVE, THEY JUST DON’T SEE YOU IN THAT WAY
Verizon: we don’t plan to murder anyone
America: so it’s ok if we keep murder illegal then
Verizon:
Verizon: no
i sadistically pat the top of my sandwiches before eating them like good job now you die.
Girl: So, your dating profile says you enjoy long walks by the sea & making ur own wine?
Jesus: ON
Girl: What?
Jesus: Long walks ON the sea
When I become a ghost, Im going to leave messages in blood, but theyre gonna be overwhelmingly positive, like “You’re Doing A Great Job”
An interracial couple eating Cheerios and non-English speakers drinking Coke. We’re a Benghazi pizza commercial away from a Texas secession.
I’ve been waiting for this moment and it has finally happened.
I got a paper review back saying I need to familiarise myself more with the works of Heejung Chung and that my work should engage more with her work.
Needed to buy a tarp and a saw so I threw in a paintbrush so the cashier would think more home project and less murder
Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.
The eighties were great except for all the spinning right ‘round like a record.
My kids at 7am: What’s for breakfast? Can I play Xbox? What are we doing today? What’s blue plus blue make?
Me:
I don’t think ‘Open Facebook’ was the first step in the scientific method I learned in school
Happy April 31st from me & my Dollar Store calendar
I love chasing after you…
* me to the ice cream man driving down the road
Let’s make a calendar where the models look worse as the year goes on so I feel like I’m progressing in my fitness goals
I can count the people I trust on my middle finger.