I never sit around waiting for anyone except for the pizza delivery guy..him I’ll wait for
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[final debate]
TRUMP: I’d like to apologize to hillary
MODERATOR: umm ok
HILLARY: umm ok
TRUMP: I brought a gift *hands her a galaxy note 7*
Having kids has made me a better person, because I now have a constant example of how jerks behave.
The cheapest way to make your lips look fuller is to trip on a dog toy, land flat on your face, then sit back and enjoy the swelling.
Doctor: “We got your test results back. I’m so sorry–it’s Curiosity.”
Cat: “Oh my god…”
I hope my neighbors follow me on Twitter cause their car’s lights are on.
You know IT have given up when the error message reads ‘Something went wrong’.
DOCTOR: Does it hurt when I do this?
*takes you out several times then acts distant*
Me: *holding my pet rat who is wearing full karate gear* Oh RAP battle, that makes more sense.
Stranger: Your children are angels
Me: So was the devil
me: they’re just-
wife: don’t say it
me: …
wife: i mean it
me: …
wife: …
me: lion there
Sorry for the way I’m dressed I have a scuba class after the funeral
If you’re stuck at the top of a tree and afraid to get down, call me. I have no fear of heights so getting the chainsaw from my attic is not even an issue.
Life hack: If you are sad. Don’t cry at home, wait until you go to work and cry in the bathroom. That way you’ll get pay as you cry. Cheat the system.
Need WebMD
how about a movie where an old man teaches a kid karate with the ulterior motive for him to one day win a car waxing contest
If not for the cowardly actions of John Wilkes Booth, Abraham Lincoln would have turned 207 today.
Some of you have never been told to ‘Leave room for the Holy Spirit’ by an old nun with a ruler while slow-dancing to Boyz 2 Men at your Grade 8 dance and it shows
I try not to worry about things outside of my control, or things that are the direct result of my deliberate choices.
“Can I take your order?”
Wait, take it where?
“No, not-”
I haven’t even given you my order yet
“I mean-”
WHERE ARE YOU TAKING MY ORDER
My son is on guitar, my daughters are on drums and harmonica, and I’m on my second ibuprofen.
boss: where have you been for the past seven days
me: in bed
boss: but i said sleep was for the weak
I held up a fist for a CW to bump and she kissed my ring. I am now drunk on power and no one is allowed to make eye contact.
Porky Pig does it.
Winnie the Pooh does it.
Donald Duck does it.
Even Squidward does it.But when I walk around without pants on it’s, ”Put your hands up, get on the ground, and put your hands behind your back!”
me: [angrily flipping over table] I TOLD U I HATE BOARD GAMES U CHEATING LITTLE SHIT
daughter: once again, how does one cheat at hungry hungry hippos
My kid can’t see the backpack hanging on his doorknob but he can find a Kit-Kat bar I hid in the attic
My wife went on a lot of roller coasters when she was pregnant with our daughter Katelyn, and you can tell 🙁
My toddler pushed one of their animal toys in my face and said “RROOOOOAAARRR!!!”
It was a penguin.
They want us to stay current with our training, yet the training videos show people using BlackBerries.
It’s like my nana once said….
You know you can block people on Twitter who confuse crochet with knitting, right?
Tried to feed the baby some vegetable puree so tasted it to show her it’s good…and immediately ordered a pizza for us both