Army barbers get paid to shave their privates.
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haha same
My wife likes to tell folks our puppy was “fixed.”
But I just call a spayed a spayed.
me: my father fought in the war
her: which one?
me: I’ve only got one dad
*walks by HR door for 11th time to see if she’s not there so I can take some candy off her desk*
HR: Do you need something Josh?
me: Nope
Fantasy:
We run in slow motion toward each other across an open field.
Her side is mined.
I cannot imagine marrying my high school sweetheart, sorry but I’m not growing old with someone who knows what my eyebrows looked like in the early 2000s
The most embarrassing thing about mistaking pilates class for pirates class is concealing my musket.
“You’re more likely to be killed in a car wreck than eaten by a shark.”
The shark made a convincing argument, so I got out of the cage.
I should be getting paid for getting up at 3 am. to go pee.
Someone just gave the agenda for the “third half” of our meeting. Guessing it won’t involve fractions.
ghost, are we friends?
*ouija board spells out “SURE”
do you suppose we could ever be… well, more than that?
*ghost favs but doesn’t reply*
A woman on the subway asked if anyone wanted to turn their life over to Jesus Christ today. She seems nice but if you don’t believe in God, I don’t think the New York City public transportation experience is going to convince you.
In the UK we celebrate Thanksgiving as the day we managed to ship all our paranoid religious fundamentalists off to another continent.
new tattoo]
them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque[after 50 people had asked]
them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel
The Mayan calendar didn’t end in 2012, they just sold the calendar technology to a billionaire from another continent who promised to make it “better”
friend: i just had an edible
me: you can just say food
Saw a bumper sticker that said ‘Jesus is the answer.’ Two cars later I saw one that said ‘Who farted?’ Best game of Highway Jeopardy ever.
I just walked into my bedroom and the window was open, so the door accidentally slammed shut behind me. That should keep my family sufficiently terrified for the next few hours.
My Ebola outbreak brings the CDC to the yard and they’re like, sir that’s just irritable bowel syndrome.
Home is where the Wi-Fi is.
This kid was such a psycho, I told him his food was an airplane and he willingly ate it not questioning all the living passengers aboard.
My coffee maker broke so I’m using my backup coffee maker and searching Amazon for a backup coffee maker for my backup coffee maker because what if my backup coffee maker breaks?
Me: Dad, how did you guys manage without WhatsApp and SMS ??
Dad: We used to keep useless information to ourselves.
me: if there are any spirits here, pleasant yourself to us
ghost: bro did you just say pleasant instead of present?
me: oh no
2nd ghost: lmao this idiot said pleasant
3rd ghost: pleasant
4th ghost: pleasant
5th ghost: pleasant
Being married to me:
Pros: you’re married
Cons: to me
Stranger things? You should see Tinder.
My favorite German children’s story is that one where some unspeakably terrifying thing happens to teach a minor lesson.
4: I didn’t know lizards were cold
6:
4:
6: BLIZZards
*lays down on the battlefield*
You all go on without me. I’m tired.
My kids have pulled out the NERF guns. What could possibly go wrong?