I want to be a large, Southern black woman who fans herself in church when I grow up.
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Welcome to IKEA. I see you need a new Fyrkantig for your Dagstorp.
Me:How do you pronounce that?
*sound of corduroy pants rubbing together
My horoscope said I should kiss you today
When your lying in bed and you sneeze upwards towards a moving ceiling fan there’s really no need to take a shower for the rest of the day.
Trust me on this.
No matter how many shocking surprises life throws at you, you’re never quite prepared to hear a British person pronounce the word “vitamin”
I’m afraid we’re on the brink of WW3 ( Wonder Woman 3 )
Don’t worry little groundhog, when I stick my head outside and see what’s going on in the world today I run back inside and hide too.
Of course I’m English.
I’m the retard convict cousin you shipped off to Australia back in the day.
2021
Employees: We’ve decided to go in a different direction. We’re gonna have to let you go.
Managers: wut?
No, autocorrect, I’m not “pooping” popcorn. Not now anyway. Later, yes, but I don’t plan to text about it.
It’s too bad The Carpenters never got to do a project with MC Hammer and Nine Inch Nails.
If I am ever killed by a koala bear, I hope whoever finds me just tells people I was killed by a bear
half of all the problems in life can be solved by duct tape. For the rest, you’re gonna have to reboot that computer
“I do law stuff” – attorney general
“I serve as the chief legal adviser to the Crown and the Government”
– attorney specific
(Puckers up & makes best kissy face)
Officer taking mugshot: Stop that.
Me: Today I found the perfect wine to have with dinner
Him: Awesome, where is it?
M: *points to belly*
i don’t let my toddler use an ipad but she does get to drive when i’m hungover
[hamster construction site]
“Colin, you seen Dave?”
I left him manning the concrete mixer
“Oh no”
[cut to Dave having the time of his life]
We broke up, but she said we could still be cousins. Merica.
The paper defeats rock explanation that the paper will wrap around the rock has always been lame. The rock is just as dangerous with paper wrapped around it; it is not defeated.
*doctor looks up*
I’m afraid you have forgetting about 80’s bands disease
“Oh god what’s The Cure?”
*doctor sighs*
It’s worse than I thought
Tire shop owner: Do you know how we could attract more customers?
Employee: [shrugs ] A Big Blowout sale?
Owner: …you’re fired.
When you’re firing off drunk texts & you see the 3 dots
[roommate watching me get ready]
dont take that with you
“why not”
why would you
“it’ll be fine”
[hour into date and I spill my bag of ants]
Good News: Got rid of the skunk smell on the cat using hydrogen peroxide, dishsoap & baking soda
Bad News: the cat now looks like Billy Idol
I’m in my 40s and know all the right mauves.
~ Me, flirting
Miss 9 trips over something and bangs her jaw on the bed.
Ohh no, how come you’re so clumsy I ask just as I bump my own head on a door frame.
8YR OLD: dad, can we get pizza for dinner tonight?
ME: aw sweetie, I’m sorry…I had pizza for lunch
8: you think I give a damn what you had for lunch?
Agreed to an “interview” by my 5y/o and her first question was, “What do you want for dinner and why is it tater tots?” and I feel like this is a hit job.
Sex therapist: Try swapping positions tonight
Me: ok[Later]
Her: Wanna have sex?
Me: No thanks
“Despite my best efforts, my hot air balloon just isn’t going to fly.”
“Dude, that’s a bike with a blanket on it.”
“My best efforts.”