When guys hold up their legs while riding a motorcycle. Like oh r u having soooo much fun. Are you saying weeeeeee
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Programmed Siri to respond to any request with “That’s what she said.”
Hey is it just me or is there another two-letter pronoun used to refer to oneself as the object of a verb or preposition?
Twitter is like a dorm, someone is always up at every hour, someone is crying and someone is drunk.
If Kraft singles are so good then why are they still single?
Nobody:
Me to my alien: so basically you make a dinner the kids say they like and then they cry because they don’t like that food anymore
I’m not paranoid but if you’re plotting against me let me know so I can prepare some snacks beforehand.
Are wings and mini tacos okay?
#WhyDoPeopleThinkItsOkayTo replace letters in words with numbers….well now i don’t feel like reading the math equation you just sent me
I want my headstone to read “loving wife, evil dictator”.
if aliens attack we will probably be fine unless they realize how easily we are influenced by traffic cones
[calendar naming committee]
BOSS: how should we spell the second month
GUY WHO SPELLED WEDNESDAY: i have an idea
[driving]
ME: Can I have some of your fries?
SON: No.
ME: *hits brakes*
[fries go flying]
ME: Now nobody has fries.
I accidentally just sent a kissy face emoji to my female boss… and now we wait for the call from HR on Monday.
Lake Superior was named the second most scenic lake in the world, beaten only by Lake Superiorer.
Rude lady to me, “Well I’m sorry but you don’t LOOK sick to me.” Me, “Looks can be deceiving. For example, you don’t look stupid.”
I could be happily married to some dude for 50 year an id still be textin ma pals like “omg do u think he likes me???”
My wife is trying to turn on Alexa but keeps calling her Siri haha now I don’t feel as bad about last night.
Welcome to parenting: You didn’t eat any, but you have syrup on you now.
when u have to ignore grammar rules to make a tweet fit into 140 characters
Guy: Are you pregnant?
Me: No, I’m a Ninja Turtle with my shell on BACKWARDS.
Guy: …..
Me: Cowabunga, douche!
If someone says, “right about now” and you don’t respond with “the funk soul brother” we can’t be friends.
Amish sext: I’m wearing that drab, full length nightgown that you bought for me at Ezekiel’s Secret.
How a career in technical writing ruined me as a letter writer
If you ask me where your glasses are, and they’re on your head, I will help you look for them forever.
Divorce court is like regular court except the judge sentences you to freedom.
My kids wanted a spooky story from the olden days so I told them the internet used to scream when you turned it on.
What if babies cry on airplanes because they are expecting to get eaten. “Here comes the airplane,” indeed
evanescence – noun: the process of vanishing or fading out of sight, memory, or existence.
So that’s what happened. Great band name, guys.
Fred realized too late that he should have bought a fresh sheet for his toga, when he walked into the black light party.
Just so we’re all clear since there’s a lot of disagreement about birth years:
Boomer = Anyone older than you that you don’t like
Millennial = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like
Gen Z = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like and don’t understand
I told my 2-year-old to find her shoes
She cupped her hands & yelled “Shoes, where are you?”
I’d help her, but I want to see if this works