I just want to be rich enough to donate enough money to have a wing at the mental hospital named after me
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Whiskey, tango, french fry…?
Yeah, I think that’s right.
I was brought up in the wild by hyenas.
Times were hard, food was scarce but we had some great laughs.
Interviewer: How do you explain this 4 year gap on your resume?
Me: That’s when I went to Yale.
Interviewer: That’s impressive. You are hired.
Me: Thanks. I really need this Yob.
Daughter: what does biography mean?
Me: it’s when you tell a story about someone.
[later at movie night]
Wife: let’s watch Cars.
Daughter: [whispers] autobiography.
Therapist: So you’re sheltering in place..?
Me: Yes but when I have to go out, there’s always some weirdo who won’t let me social distance
Husband: I thought we agreed no name-calling
Bent a spoon with my mind…
Actually I dropped it into the garbage disposal.
But it was my mind that let that happen.
Fun fact: When swimming upstream, salmon can jump up as high as 6 feet.
Unless its a white salmon.
A crow just dropped a pink ribbon at my feet. If I pick it up are we engaged or what’s the protocol here
The most rewarding part of having a teenage daughter is having someone who looks exactly like you, acts just like you but who also finds everything about you absolutely repulsive
If you think the astronauts on the space station are getting on your nerves, imagine how annoyed they are with each other
Always know where the exits are in a crowded theater and your in-laws house.
Where on my donor card do I indicate that my organs are not to be used to save anyone who pronounces it “eck-cetera?”
Me: You don’t have to tell me twice.
Narrator: 38 times. You have to tell her 38 times.
I’m less of a “Don’t say that” mom and more of a “Don’t say that at school” mom.
ohhhhh my GOD I just told the dog “hey we’ll go for a walk once the baby’s awake, okay?”
and she looked at me, ran upstairs, stuck her head in the nursery, and HOWLED
urns are so stupid. when I die, I want my ashes on display in a mini aquarium
Him: you know, a baby deliverer…
Me: you mean my OBGYN or the stork?
*me trying new contouring makeup
Them: now just blend it…blend it
My spirit animal just ran into a glass door.
[1st day at the zoo]
boss: did you feed the animals?me: *looking at the signs that say don’t feed the animals* no
I do not want a robot dog. I do want some sort of high-speed Wi-Fi router mobile hotspot installed in my current dog
Mafia Boss: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Fishes: we’re not sleeping with this nerd
Me: um technically the plural is *fish*
Just tell me which one is wrong, the password or the username!! Don’t make me have to guess.
*girl calls me daddy*
*hammer appears in my hand*
“oh no”
*I start building a deck*
“what have you done”
*grill turns itself on*
11-year-old: We had a standardized test all morning.
Me: What was it testing?
11: My patience.
Them: I’ll be right back
Me: That’s not necessary
I’m quiet and not great about confronting neighbors, so I renamed our wifi Everyone Hates Your Rooster, Greg.
*sees girl at bar*
Hey baby, wanna get outta here?
“Sure!”
Good, you’re really killing the vibe.
Whenever someone asks how i’m doing & walks away before i answer..I write “GREAT” on the side of thier car with my keys!
Me: I’m gluten free and lactose intolerant
Them: so what do you eat?
Me: mostly cheese.