So society’s *real* key workers have just been revealed.
Not the bankers. Not the traders. Not the elite hedge fund managers.
It’s the nurses. The doctors. The delivery drivers. The carers. The porters. The teachers. The shelf stackers. The check out staff.
#COVID19
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BREAKING: FBI discovers that Hillary’s 30,000 deleted emails were all Facebook notifications from Biden tagging her on cat videos.
When people post about their 5 year olds, they’re talking about wine right?
Avalanches won my recent poll of the world’s favourite natural disasters, by a landslide.
Fixed this for Shakespeare
I, for one, understand ingrown hairs. I too have seen the world and would like to go back to where I came from
“Do you have any children?”
Hannibal: “Freezer. Bottom, right.”
WTF, marathoners? I don’t even like to drive 26 miles.
Seems like I can’t even sit on a park bench anymore without someone’s henchman sneaking by to swap briefcases
The actors are getting so old in the Fast and Furious franchise, the next movie will be them stuck in a grocery store parking lot
My 2yo held my face in his hands and whispered oh-so seriously: “don’t go to work daddy, stay with me.”
And so, I am never going to work again.
Coworker: How did your review go?
Me: I don’t know…I thought playing “Epic” by Faith No More was a strong symbolic start…
Coworker:
Me: Apparently putting a live, flailing fish on her desk was lost on her too.
Amazon Review: Ghost costume
⭐☆☆☆☆
Do Not RecommendPoorly constructed sheet blew away when industrial fan was turned on. I would have gotten away with it if it weren’t for those meddling kids.
Pickled cat.
When I refer to old relatives passing away I never say “RIP” because I don’t wants them to rest. I want them to Zumba.
*takes out trash, finds trash can lid frozen shut*
*drops bag on ground because if any raccoon is desperate enough to be out in this cold he deserves all the trash he can get*
[after giving performance of a lifetime]
ME: I only wish… I only wish my dad could see me now
MUFFLED VOICE FROM BEHIND EXTREMELY TALL AUDIENCE MEMBER: I’m sure you did great son
Confuse a restaurant manager today by telling her how good the service was.
is this how new cars are made??
“I’m the only cop on the force who can play the bassoon dammit” “Not anymore” New cop in sunglasses walks in, just killing it on the bassoon
My husband ordered a hearing aid off of Amazon. I’m so screwed you guys.
Daughter: Daddy, did you know that our blood is blue in the veins but it only turns red when it hits oxygen?
Me: *turns to wife* This is what happens when you teach her stuff.
I had my leg X-rayed today.
The doctor said: ‘Your patella measures 2.54cm’.
I said: ‘Inch-high knees?’
He said: ‘您的髌骨是2.54厘米高.’
Friend- “You’re drunk.”
Me- *mocking voice* “You’re drunk.”
Friend- “Stop.”
Me- *morphs into clone of friend* “Stop.”
my favorite posts on fb are the people who apologize for not having be on in a while and nobody cares that they’re back
me, angry: I’m LEAVING-
doorknob: nope *catches purse strap*
my gym crush finally said hi to me and so naturally this was the time to start choking on my own saliva
I laughed and my gum shot out of my mouth, but I caught it with my hand and my lightning reflexes, so….be a cooler idiot
Anyone wanna buy 7 gently used pies?
*Inspirational Tweets*
I work in manufacturing. A guy is downstairs adjusting a machine, and apparently someone brought him the wrong parts. I just heard him yell, “Your nuts are too small! Gary has some extra. Go grab his nuts!”