My horoscope said I’d come into some money today, I was so excited until I found a five dollar bill in the washing machine.
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Raising Twins
Twin 1: *looking at an old photo album* Is this me?
Me: I literally have no idea.
5: a hedgehog is just a mouse with rock ‘n roll hair
Sunday
[at my funeral]
ventriloquist: please don’t judge me, he paid me a lot of money to do this
me: hi everybody!
“What the hell happened to you?”
I got tarred by an angry mob.
“What about the feathers?”
I hugged some ducks to feel better after.
My college girlfriend texted me for the first time in 10 years this weekend and I’m 1 million percent sure this is Adele’s fault
Staying with my parents, pt. 3:
[4 yo is following my dad around]
Her: Whatcha doin?
Dad: Grabbing things for errands
Her: Whatcha doin now?
Him: Going to the garage
Her: Where you goin now?
Him: WHAT ARE YOU THE KGB? YOU GONNA REPORT BACK TO MOTHER RUSSIA?! LEAVEMEALONE
Me: *Trying to sneak to the fridge for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
I like how liquor stores wrap booze bottles in complimentary barf bags.
*Werewolves spot a group of teens smoking pot around a campfire*
Werewolf 1: Edibles!
“lassie i don’t see anyone at the bottom of this well. are you sure-” timmy felt the paws on his back. his eyes widened as he understood…
Hate is too strong of a word, but to the guy who brought a cowbell to a 7am youth hockey game, I very much dislike you
Life tip – buy a birthday card with your morning bottle of wine and people will think it’s a gift.
You are welcome.
Her: Oh, a handsome man like you must be used to compliments.
Me: Yes, but do go on…
Did Batman know that Alfred was embezzling billions to finance a 4-person Magic act that was a front for robbing banks?
I never realized how short a month is until I started paying rent
Reasons to evacuate before a hurricane:
5. Winds
4. Flooding
3. Power outages
2. No pizza delivery
1. Wet socks
[picking son up from soccer practice]
Me: how was it?
Coach: he did very well
Me: how many goals did you score?
Son: none
Me: right well one of you is a liar then
Cows are vegetarians too, but you won’t hear them bragging about it on Twitter.
They stopped making ghosts just after the civil war. You’ll never see a ghost with a man bun or hitting a juul
“I maul out of love” – Bear Supply
A bad massage experience would be awaiting your masseuse, lying naked under the sheet, when you realize “Hey, this isn’t a spa, it’s a morgue!”
WHY DO SWEDISH SHIPS HAVE BARCODES PRINTED ON THE SIDE?
SO YOU CAN SCAN-DA-NAVY-IN
*Librarian walks in* You know what’s great kids? You don’t need wifi to read a book!
*Kids boo*
*Someone in the crowd yells “NERD”*
Setting my alarm for 3am.
Going to text this to a coworker and go back to bed until 6.
Then we’ll be even.
My wife asked me if I was going to take a shower before we go to some friend’s house for the evening like she didn’t see me get in the pool.
Dropped a peanut butter cracker and no one came running so of course my first thought was that the dogs had been raptured.
I washed my sports bra with the Fitbit still attached and won first place in all my challenges.
i just found that children’s tylenol is made for children, not out of children, and i feel relieved. but that could just be the tylenol…