Tonight at my restaurant job a middle-aged white woman looked me right in the eyes, held up the debit machine to me and said, “Can you show me how to not leave a tip?” SO START CROWDFUNDING MY BAIL MONEY Y’ALL IT’S GO TIME THIS IS WHAT WE’VE TRAINED FOR
You Might Also Like
I haven’t been to Starbucks in two weeks and I’ve saved eight thousand dollars.
[date]
HER: the last guy i went out with was as boring as a sack of potatoes
ME: [gets up from table] my son is a potato
Who wants an omelet?
(3 minutes later)
Who wants scrambled?
Q: My daughter will not eat fish, what can I replace it with?
A: A cat. Cats love fish.
I’m going as Alexa for Halloween this year and answering every question with, “Sorry, I’m having trouble understanding you right now.”
Dracula: Let me give you eternal life….
Me: Are you kidding me have you looked around at this world…no thank you.
Dracula: What time is sunrise?
If I like you I keep you close, if not I keep you at a distance so I can mime squishing your head between my thumb and forefinger.
People that freak out about their photos being bookmarked should probably know about the save function. And screenshots.
Gambling is all about getting something for nothing and spending thousands of dollars trying to do it.
Starting to get the feeling like there is a fennel cabal out there forcing chefs to put fennel in as many dishes as possible, this fennel conspiracy hurts all of us
Currently trying to estimate how many steps I lost searching the house to find my Fitbit.
Her: The laundry pods are missing!
Me: Oh really?
H: Did you eat them again?
M: Absolutely not *burps bubbles* why?
H: JUST CALL IT A HUNCH!
My bag of chocolate-covered espresso beans is empty.
In unrelated news, my daughter is swinging Tarzan-style from the ceiling lamp.
BREAKING: Girls go to college to get more knowledge. Boys go to Jupiter to get more stupider. Boys killed instantly by lack of oxygen.
Self-Congratulatory Civility Between Disagreeing Internet Commenters Honestly Worse Than Fight Would Have Been
anti-tattoo people saying “my body’s a temple” like they wouldn’t worship at a temple that had an enormous mural of a tiger fighting a cobra
Win every disagreement by saying ” I know. I’m from the future.” Because they can argue with you, but not science.
When someone asks me why I’m leaving the party early, I say “I’m late for an appointment with my pajamas.”
Superman’s first day at the daily planet.
Boss: Since you’re new, you might need supervision.
Clark: I have that, superhearing too.
Dear Ninja Turtles,
Why are you wearing masks? There are no other giant, mutated turtles. No one’s gonna mistake a different turtle for you.
What is wrong with Riverdale that ARCHIE was the best option?
this recipe says red onions are too spicy for salad
“I love potatoes in my mouth!!”
Ok, yes kid, we all do but you gotta be way more chill about it
I’m 45. When does my baby fat finally go away?
Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.
Kind of lied on my Tinder profile and said I had a boat*
*gravy
one time when i was like 20 one of my best friends said he liked his name because of how unique it was. his name is jason
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single “I’m going out for cigarettes.”
Vin Diesel’s real first name is Vehicle Identification Number.
My youngest is being tested for the gifted program at his elementary school and my other son thinks his toothbrush is haunted.