My Cat: REMEMBER THE PACTS FORGED BETWEEN OUR PEOPLES LONG AGO.
Me: Stop it, it’s 6 in the morning.
Cat: YOU PLEDGED ETERNAL SERVITUDE.
Me: I did not.
Cat: IN EXCHANGE WE WOULD COME TO YOUR AID IN YOUR HOUR OF NEED.
Me: I’m not feeding you.
Cat: REMEMBER THE PACTS.
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Jealousy is one of the seven deadly sins because the next thing you know you need a shovel and an alibi.
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
There are two rules in life:
1) Never give out all the information.
I put the tomatos and the ketchup right next to each other in my refrigerator just so all the food knows I have no mercy
In 3rd grade the bus driver missed my house but I was too embarrassed to say anything so I got off at the last stop and started a new life.
Have you ever created an amazing #Excel spreadsheet, but then been disappointed because none of your friends or family cares? #AskingForAFriend
You should never donate to people that collect money for marathons.
They just take your money and run.
Tom Cruise has signed on for Mission Impossible V. His impossible mission is trying not to show up on everyone’s gaydar.
ME: I wanna be the very best like no one ever was
Prof Oak: [handing me Pokedex] there are 150-
ME: sorry how much work is this gonna be
I wanted to lose 10 pounds this year. Only 13 to go.
[alternate reality]
[dogs walking their humans on leashes]
dog1: have u heard of upman?
dog2: whats upman?
dog1: not much man whats up w/ u?
How long can you soak pots & pans in your sink?
Please say 12 years
Siri, when does the restraining order expire?
I’m at the age I don’t remember it’s my birthday but my wife makes me feel better by reminding me I’m at the age I don’t remember anything.
*stands up fast
weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
[getting brutally stabbed] hey wait, you have an eyelash *gently removes it* make a wish
[the invention of ping pong]
“I don’t want this tiny ball.”
“Well, neither do I.”
“That makes me very angry.”
“Me too.”
My 4yo twins spent half the morning yelling “Alexa watch this!!” and when they finally walked away Alexa asked if I could find her a new home that doesn’t have kids
When you unfollow someone it should pop up with a list of other idiots to unfollow
My 3YO thinks woman get pregnant by eating too much food that somehow creates a baby in their belly and I’m just thinking about how scary that would be.
“Do you want seconds?”
“HELL NAH! I’ve got three kids at home.”
I don’t care if you’re black or white… old or young… rich or poor… male or female… there comes a moment in everyone’s life when you raise your glass and realize… the damn coaster is still stuck to it…
“Take me with you,” I whisper, palms pressed to the windowpane, watching the trash truck drive away.
I’m unpredictable. Like a dad on a field trip.
If you call me “daddy” in bed I will immediately stop what we are doing and make you clean your room
*at reading of my will*
Executor: *opens envelope*
‘Ahem…’You selfish, bloodsucking little pricks…’’
I’ve always been such a “waiting for the other shoe to drop” type of girl.
I’ve decided I’m now going to be the “throw the shoe at your head and run first” kind of girl.
If Bats in Australia are THIS big, I’d hate to see the size of their Vampires
Me: I don’t think this is going to work
Wife: I know, I’ve been feeling like that for a long time. We’ll be so much happier with other people
M: I was talking about switching the toilet paper so it rolls under