JOB INTERVIEWER: it says here ur a postmodern deconstructivist…?
ME: did ur parents realy name u ‘Job’? especialy with a last name like urs?
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If swimming is such good exercise, explain whales
Yes, I sure did let my 3yo eat a popsicle at 7:53am so that I could drink my coffee in peace. It’s called self-care.
‘Your legs, your thighs, they got me hypnotized’
~me talking to my KFC
ME: There’s a dead fly in my soup
WAITER: Yes
ME: There’s a dead fly in a tiny burning longboat in my soup
WAITER: Yes
ME: A cricket bard sings his spirit into the next world
WAITER: Yes
ME: My compliments to the chef
Sorry I yelled “pull” when you released doves at your wedding.
I bought a off brand Roomba for black Friday and im already having a Detroit: Become human experience with it.
“stop dont go there”
off brand roomba: “goes there (faster)”
me: I feel your pain
french baker: ma’am, pls stop touching the bread
It’s ironic that we put rats in mazes when we, as a species, can’t find our way around IKEA.
How’s your Saturday going?
I’ll go first: my 10 yo came upstairs from his video game haze to tell me the dog peed on the rug again. We don’t have a dog.
Today Mother phoned asked me what I was doing . I said I was on Google maps and looking at her house .She asked if I could see her waving .
Hi..You’ve reached my voicemail. I could come to the phone right now but I saw your name on caller ID so leave a message..or not.
coworker: you’re driving the wrong way! the office is the other way
me: *smacks bungee cords attached to my car* my goals are beyond your understanding
I admire women with the restraint to draw on their eyebrows. I wouldn’t be able to stop until I’d added glasses and a moustache.
Alarm: beep beep beep
Me: I respectfully decline.
My resume is just an old VHS tape of the “Life Goes On” episode where Corky lip syncs “Fight the Power” for his school’s talent show.
You’re a dog person? *Throws a stick* Well? Aren’t you going to run after it or are you cool with being a normal human that’s also a liar?
*Giving TED talk*
Me: *points at guy* sir, reach under your chair!
*he does and a mousetrap snaps*
Me: trust no one
*audience claps*
*opens kitchen drawer*
Me: Whoa, what’s with all the whisks?
Sir-Mix-a-Lot: Why you judgin me?
My daughter wants to be something scary for Halloween this year so she’s going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
Can’t find my belt so I’ll just need to get fatter.
Learn cursive, they said. You’ll need it your whole life, they said.
Good morning people…..I woke up feeling myself this morning….wait that doesn’t sound right. What I meant is I woke up feeling confidant
It’s uncool to be religious. It’s uncool to be atheist. If someone asks what you believe in just say Beyoncé. It’s the only way to be safe.
At least men & women can agree on one thing: it feels AMAZING to take a bra off
Me: Pull my finger.
Doctor: Ok.
[finger detaches]
Me: AAAAHHHHH!
Doctor: AAAAHHHHH!!!
ME: haha j/k that’s actually why I came in.
I used to be an atheist until my 8YO started asking for help with her math homework
Ex bf: Would you give me a second chance for a Klondike bar?
Me: you can shove that square peg in your round hole.
Christina Aguilera named her baby girl “Summer Rain.”
I wish I was named after a Glade® air freshener scent.
Remember , for some unknown reason Santa doesn’t make batteries .