I’ve never been to hell, but I once forgot to buy batteries for my 6 year old son’s toys on Christmas morning.
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….. and then there are people that call their chihuahuas “Cujo”
i once dated a professional hockey player from Sweden and one night he called me and asked “you up?” so i drove over excited and when i got there he asked me if i could balance his checkbook.
Want to feel old? Have sex with someone your own age.
I can’t believe I have appendicitis in the middle of a global pandemic. this is legit funny like can my body read the room one time???
5yo: Dad, if you make me take a bath I will scream and yell and cry, and then you will have to give me a consequence. You don’t want me to have a consequence do you?
How scared do I need to be for this kid’s teenage years
Apparently I was involved in a class action lawsuit against AT&T. Anyway, I just got a check for $1.33 if anyone wants to party.
I think I may have accidentally sprayed my fairy godmother with Raid…
[Busy ER]
Patient: So what happens after this?
Me: [stares into distance] Some think heaven. Some think nothing happens. Possibly even limbo until some higher power decides your fate
Patient: So…I meant what happens now you’ve requested an inpatient bed for me?
Me: Oh. Same.
What Nasa dont want you to know is those space suits they wear, those are actually bee keepers outfits.
Space is full of bees.
The moon is actually a giant hive, its where we get like 95% of our honey from. Check that moon landing footage again, its not grainy, thats a swarm.
I kept my whole house clean for three days. But then I felt like my kids had been locked in that closet long enough.
Me: Accept your flaws. You’ll feel better. It worked for me.
Her: You accepted your flaws?
Me: No. I accepted your flaws.
I have many hidden talents. Just wish I could find ’em.
Spider: what do you mean I don’t qualify??
Army Recruiter: look buddy, this isn’t the leggy
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: My brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we fell out, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
I’m not saying I’m jealous of the pigeons but I certainly wouldn’t mind someone throwing food at me from this park bench.
[first day as a private investigator]
Boss: you’re late
Me: I couldn’t find the building
I just want to be rich enough to stop giving people toilet paper for Christmas
The doctor should ask how often you miss your mouth entirely when drinking
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: like this 🙏
Appliance salesman: *slaps roof of microwave*
this bad boy can fit so many waves in it
My wife and I just renewed our vows of celibacy.
Sorry I have been gone for the last two days, my son had a quick story to tell me
“I think I’m like in the middle of a really powerful moon cycle or something. I accidentally texted the guy who delivered my coffee asking why he ghosted me and he actually apologized.”
*pulls home cooked meal out of oven*
*family awkwardly stares at me*
Yup, this is definitely not my house.
I’m almost 45 years old and I’ve never been to an open house before. Can I use their toaster?
Someday future archaeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think it was some bizarre mouse-worshiping kingdom.
I can finish The Times’ crossword in under five minutes but I struggle to eat the whole paper
*dumps more fleas on my head*
*sits back down in front of chimpanzee*
So, anyway, like I was saying…
*goes to the gym*
*takes a selfie & posts it on Facebook for the wife to see*
*hurries to the bar*
have respect for every human life. we are all made in gods image. big computers on top. buncha important balloons in the middle. stilts.