Her: “Your funny”
Me: “…. Uh ya… this isn’t gonna work”
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My sister sent me a pic of her wedding dress and said it looked better on to which I asked on what, fire?
Burning bridges was a lot easier when 7 out of 10 people had lighters in their pockets.
Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze
Wife: [on phone] I just got home where are you guys?
Me: the hospital.
Wife: what happened?
Me: our son swallowed a watermelon seed.
Wife: so? it’s not like it’s gonna grow a watermelon in his tummy lol.
Me:
Wife:
Me: we’ll be home in 10 minutes.
Me: Did you look in your purse?
Her: OF COURSE I LOOKED IN MY PURSE, I’M NOT AN IDIOT!
Me:
Her: [looking in purse] You’re not going to believe this…
ants can carry up to 5000 times their body weight?? pfft. watch this- *goes to stomp an ant but it grabs me & slams me thru a picnic table*
Just passed a mum with her little girl, no older than 7, who was crying over a skinned knee.
Mum: I don’t think we need to cry over this anymore.
Little girl, still crying: This is in NO WAY a WE situation.
JUMPER ON BRIDGE: Stay back, I just want to end it all
GOOD COP: Please, you don’t have to do this
CAT COP: *slowly pushes him off bridge*
No parenting books prepared me for the exhaustion of constantly being excited about the mundane stuff that blows my 4 year old’s mind. Wow, a red pen! Wow, our cat! Wow, a slice of cheese with holes in it!
if I eat the entire box of girl scout cookies at once then I’ll only hate myself one time instead of each time I eat them do the math sweetie
Boss: why’d you leave early?
Me: you said cease the day
Boss: yes I said seize the day
Me:
Boss:
I have a five year plan to become more spontaneous.
You can take all the daylight you saved & stick it where the sun don’t shine.
I hope you prayed for me in church today.
There’s nothing I have going on, I just like the attention.
Thx
I don’t need a security alarm because I leave all my shoes in a pile inside the front door.
Me to my daughters:
Someday this will all be yours.*motions to bed covered with clothes, 43 pairs of shoes on the floor and 12 stray cats*
6: daddy can u turn up the cold heat
Me: I…I’m not sure what to do
This avocado wants me to hunt down Han Solo
If people start referring to your outfits as “get-ups,” you might want to start rethinking some of your fashion choices.
Anytime I need to leave my name for a server to yell out later when my order is ready I always say it’s “Marco”.
The Katy Perry song that goes, “You’re hot and you’re cold,” was actually about a microwaveable burrito.
The name’s Bondjamesbond. James Bondjamesbond.
I tried meowing back to the cat to show him I was making an effort, but he just switched to English.
12653.
Might send husband a nude so he’ll come upstairs. Then I’ll make him help with the laundry.
The police have asked me to stop sending them cryptic taunting messages until I’ve actually committed a crime
Date: You seem close to your mom
Me: I am
Mom: It is a small table for 3
Instesd of avoiding typos, embrance them. No one will pint them out if you spell everythinj wring.
Ford vehicles names are more fun when you put “anal” in front of them..Probe, Explorer, Excursion, Endeavor, Ranger,etc