Pro tip:
Singing “Into the great wide open” is never ok during sex
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My neighbours are loud and obnoxious. Now I know how Canada feels.
I need someone else to prevent forest fires for like 10 minutes.
It’s weird how opposites attract, like red wine & a new shirt
Let’s be honest: The documentary they were making before the Blair Witch killed them would have sucked
My wife bought chocolate covered cashews and told me don’t eat all of them. That’s like my wife buying chocolate covered cashews and telling me don’t eat all of them.
Friends: Get married. Have kids. Get a promotion. Travel the world.
Me: Still standing in the grocery store trying to get open a plastic produce bag.
I didn’t go to the Carribean, my tan is from standing infront of the rotisserie chicken at Costco
Superman and Batman probably had a lot of “capes in the toilet water” accidents when they went to take a dump.
How in the hell do people lose their children in a mall?
Seriously, any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.
H: “What do you want for Valentine’s Day?”
“A puppy.”
“Pick something else.”
“A different puppy.”
My 7yo was taking pics of her sister, and I said, “oh isn’t she pretty” but 7 responded, “no she’s a suspect.”
Coworker met a guy on an app, went on vacation with him, got married ob the vacation and quit today, I will be speaking on her episode of either Dateline or Snapped.
“What do you get if you cross a monkey and a lion?”
I glance nervously over to the basement door, afraid she’s seen something she shouldn’t.
If you’re in Burger King longer than 5 minutes, you’re the manager
hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.
*cooking omelette for GF*
Me: “Want extra cheese, babe?”
Gf: “Sure baby”
*slowly turns up Aerosmith’s ‘I Don’t Wanna Miss a Thing’*
I’ve seen The Blair Witch Project and that’s all I need to know about camping.
Just for fun I’m putting these on windshields in parking lots all over the city on Valentines Day…
I never related to movies as a kid. Like in Home Alone when Kevin says to his Mother “I am upstairs you dummy” I couldn’t understand how he was still alive after that.
My kid went from saying “please” to “do it” and I really enjoyed my time with her but I think we’re over now.
Am I the only one who wonders why the Flintstones celebrate Christmas.
7yo: Did you drink coffee before we were born?
Me: Yes
7yo: Did you eat pancakes?
Me: Yes
7yo: What didn’t you do?
Me: Talk while peeing.
i always see couples holding hands but how do you become part of a couple? do you just leave your hand out and if someone holds it, you’re a couple
therapist: so, how are you feeling?
me: i’m feeling ok
therapist: great! let’s ruin that feeling by unearthing some childhood trauma
Every group chat births a second smaller group chat without the annoying people, and if you think yours doesn’t, I have some bad news
Right before I left the house my wife asked me if I filled out my organ donor information and now I’m hesitant to start the car.
Mobster: we need to set up a shell company
Lobster: let me handle this, boss
Sex so good the neighbors make you sandwiches.
Does anyone else start driving like there’s 4 dismembered bodies in the trunk when a cop is behind you?