My 4yo asked if I thought a robber came in the night, ate all the Halloween candy then threw the wrappers in the bin and I maintained eye contact while telling her that was the only possible explanation
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Me: They say this virus is dangerous for older people
My grandfather: It’s a Grampademic
Me:
My grandfather: The Grampacalypse
Me:
My grandfather: Grandmageddon
Bomb squad: sir, please clear the area while we locate the device
Me: did you… did you bring the bomb sniffing dog?
Bomb squad: YOU AGAIN
priest: richer or poorer sickness and in health?
her: I do
*clears my throat*
priest: and if he wanted a boston terrier or take singing lessons?
I told y’all leave these retail workers alone with the TikTok pranks 😭
BOSS: Ok, so we’ve decided we’re definitely going to call our new product yogert. Has anyone got any thoughts on the spelling?
ROBHURT: yeh
Lmaooo she has seen it all😭😭😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
[girl’s night out]
WIFE: I’m off then
ME: Okay
WIFE: Don’t do anything obtuse
ME: Pfft – give me a break!
{5 min later}
ME *googling obtuse*
According to math, I’m broke
Chaos Theory or how my wife describes my dishwasher loading technique…
Of all the things the Internet has lied to me about, the ease and enthusiasm with which a cat will ride a Roomba is the biggest.
If you want to look mysterious I would suggest painting your cornea with a sharpie. Always works for me.
My 13yo likes to remind me that he’s taller than me, and I like to remind him I’m the one who signs his permission slips to do the fun things at school.
People should throw rice at baptisms and not weddings that little baby is all wet and needs help drying.
best buy employee: can i help you find anything
me: uh i’m good
best buy employee: ok well if you have any questions i’m colin
me: how’d you get in my house colin
Ghosting someone sounds like a euphemism for murder.
I love getting phone calls telling me I won a prize for a contest I didn’t enter 🙄
me: let me tell you about the fast and the furious movies
him: no spoilers
me: i assure you there are a ton
Inspiring: Celebrities Spell Out ‘We’re All In This Together’ With Their Yachts
Horse: so what happens if say, Fido were to break his leg?
Farmer: well we’d put a cast on him and he’d recover in a few weeks
Horse: oh thank God, because it’s actually me who broke my leg, and I had heard some pretty crazy rumors about hey woah is that thing loaded?
welcome back
Me: I’m not a morning person
Everyone: no shit
Beers ranked:
1-First beer after work
2-Post yard work beer
3-Shower beer
4-Vacation beer
5-All other beer
If necessary, pouring pickle juice into the coffee maker makes a house uninviting to 99% of house guests.
You’re not an Asshole. That’s too much credit for you. You’re an Asshalf.
All these poor newlyweds in quarantine just aging their marriages in dog years.
Boss: It’s a little strange that you’re only sick on Fridays…
Me: I have a weekend immune system.
“My wife is going out to Thanksgiving dinner with her extended family but I’m staying home. It’s not safe.”
“Covid.”
“Toddlers.”
The secret to fluffy pancakes is gently folding the souls of people who annoy you into the batter.
never trust a person who says they don’t like chocolate, even dogs eat chocolate and it kills them
[battle]
ME: It’s no good. We gotta quit
SARGE: Quit? I don’t know the meaning of the word
M: It means give up
S: Oh cool. Lets do that