Every wedding video you’ve ever seen
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[at the animal shelter]
Volunteer: This cat would do best going to a quiet home with no children.
Me: Can I go with her?
my ex: sometimes I forget why we ever broke up
me: when you do that sigh thing I can hear your nose hair
I went on WebMD and I either have Covid or I’m getting my period
Son: why is my sisters name rose?
Dad: because your mother loves roses
Son: what about me?
Dad: it’s a long story, Bush’s Country Style Baked Beans
Bruce Willis and the pug are lying on hospital beds, hand in paw. The pug’s kidneys are failing and despite science & logic,Bruce is a match
No one EVER looks surprised when you tell them you cut your own hair.
8yo nephew: so how does it feel when you’re drunk?
Me: Oh it’s awful! You get dizzy and your head spins so fast from the slap you might get if you touch my booze.
let’s hear it for plates that are bowls
A shocking amount of parenthood is knowing which kid you’ll need to keep out of jail.
M: so I’ve been thinking
*all of the light bulbs in the house shatter*
Do people who bring bikes on the subway know about riding bikes?
The staff at this long john silver’s is saying I’ve had too much popcorn shrimp, and they’re trying to wrestle away the keys to my eScooter.
when I have dinner with a vegetarian I order two steaks to use as a bun for my third steak
Sunday
We’re looking for someone to eat macaroni and cheese at the end of our bed while we have sex. No weirdos please.
Coyotes don’t run away – they pause and stare, like they’re trying to place you. One did this to me on the way home and I rolled down the window and said “I used to bartend at a fondue place?” He snapped his paw and said “right that’s it” and trotted off in the rain.
ME: [standing in the rain]
STRANGER: [taps me on the shoulder] Here’s an umbrella
ME: Yes. I’ve seen one before.
The coolest feature of being over age 40 is now when I get a pimple it only takes 14 months to go away.
ORANGUTAN ADOPTS THREE TIGER BABIES
*watches neighbor sprint outside in his underwear chasing the garbage truck after I rolled his trash can back to his house last night*
My wife never mentions my mistakes, she saves them for the weekly PowerPoint presentation.
George refuses to date a woman when he sees her on 2 different dating apps. G:”It’s too desperate.” J:”How’d you find out?” G:”I’m on both.”
Me: *spits soup into bucket*
Chef: This isn’t that kind of tasting.
I just asked the kid working at McDonald’s if the shamrock shakes were made with fresh shamrocks. He went to ask the manager. 😳
[Snake family queueing to get on the train]
[They spot Samuel L Jackson already on board]
SNAKE DAD: Not this shit again.
I’m quite sure if Adam had offered Eve a donut, that whole Garden of Eden thing would’ve gone in an entirely different direction.
In a parallel universe somewhere, all the Pumpkin Spice Lattes are getting really excited for White Girl season at Starbucks.
“I don’t expect much so I am rarely disappointed”
– People who haven’t met me yet
Every time I think I’ve parallel parked in a space the size of a shoebox, I get out and find it’s the length of two football fields
ME: [sees old friend with new wife] Hey congrats on the wedding! Where did you marry?
HIM: Maui
ME: Oh, sowwy! Where did you mawwy her?