rroses are red,
violets are blue,
Valentine’s Day was invented by big corporations so they could sell more anti-depressants
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I’d like to thank the British for wearing red coats and making it easier to shoot them 238 years ago. We couldn’t have done this without you
Prince Charming: I will awaken her with love’s sweet ki–
Sleeping Beauty: five more minutes
The last 60+ Miss Universe pageant winners have been from earth I don’t know man, seems fixed.
Fabio hasn’t aged a day
IRONMAN 3 SPOILER ALERT: Tony’s all “pffsh whatever I’m Ironman” then he’s all “JARVIS HELP” then he’s sad but then it’s like whaaaaat.
Parenting is 10% knowing you would kill for your children and 90% suppressing the urge to kill them.
I don’t want to alarm anyone but there’s only 365 shopping days left until Christmas
“Chickfila catering?”
“Yes, sir. How big is your party?”
“Party?”
“Extra cheese”
Extra! Extra! More cheese!!
“No olives”
Breaking! Hold on the olives!
~Ex-Newsie working at Subway
My wife’s favorite position is where I’m bent over the kitchen sink doing the dishes.
When my nudes go to the cloud I always hope God is impressed.
Stages of a quick trip to Costco:
1. I need only one thing.
2. I need a shopping cart.
3. I need help loading this in my car.
4. I need a bigger car.
I asked my brothers why they’re getting two separate ps5s when they live in the same house and can share, and they told me to go share my phone with my mum😑
5-year-old daughter: *looks in the mirror* Can you get me something to match my cowboy boots?
Me: What?
5-year-old: A horse.
Took the kids to the beach and I now I need to know if I drive the sand back myself or if someone will come pick it up from me
mechanic: the replacement part is gonna cost $1200
me: *did research and knows the average price is $300 so I should go somewhere else* okay
One day I’m gonna write a book about a recipe blogger that confesses to murder in every single recipe on their website but they never get caught because no one reads the 12 pages of text before the recipe.
A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.
The wife’s clearing out the fridge before vacation so I’ve a pork chop, 3 slices of ham and 6 bacon rashers for dinner. The sad thing is knowing I can never again love her as intensely as I do right now.
you just know somebody’s being called by their full name right now
All my friends are mad at Neil Tyson for saying that The Chipmunks probably couldn’t happen in reality because their lungs would explode from singing notes written for the human diaphragm.
23. RT @Highlights: Parents, at what age do you think it’s okay for a child to get his or her own cell phone?
Revenge is never the answer, but sometimes drawing wrinkles on their voodoo doll just feels right
Who called it condensed milk instead of mk?
ERMAHGERD YOO GIZE…
Remember , for some unknown reason Santa doesn’t make batteries .
[first day selling houses]
me: shits about to get realty
I would never feed you to the wolves.
You’re too toxic and I like dogs.
*looks over shoulder*
*puts tiny piece of paper in trash*Wife (from upstairs): THAT CAN BE RECYCLED!!!
[interrogation]
“Where were u on the night of the 3rd?”
Stabbing a homeless man.
“Louder for the tape?”
Wrapping a boneless ham. As a gift.